I will never end up like him

Behind my back I already am

It has been a long time since I have been this hurt. It's has nothing to do with your predictable behavior - I never get my hopes up with you. It has everything to do with you telling me how I shouldn't feel. If I want to be angry with you for not even trying, your major lack of effort, and selfishness, I can and I will and I am. And what made it hurt even more is when I found out you lied to me. But then again, that's not uncommon when you're involved. Oh, don't worry about lecturing, I know that you're just going to tell me I'm ungrateful, selfish, and immature - the same as I was when I wouldn't amount to anything. Remember I wouldn't make it into college because my 3.0+ GPA was awful and I am stupid. I haven't cried that much in a while. I can't even remember the last time I cried over you that much. People make fun of teenagers for using Facebook and selling themselves out, well adults aren't too smart either. Looks like you had fun Sunday morning at breakfast. I sat alone and cried.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is thing called sleep people keep talking about? I am not familiar with that at all. There are nearly enough hours in the day to do anything. Forreal. My excessive and currently increased caffeine intake probably doesn't help. My problem.

This made my night yesterday. iminlove.

I'm trying to think of something interesting to entertain you (and myself) with, but I've got nothingggg.

Tomorrow is another busy day:

11-12: work study.

12-1: brian.

1-3ish: class.

3-5: work study.

5:15: subway adventure again.

7-10: toy story double feature attempt with Em again!

10-?????: reading "Little Women" and making advertisements.

Am I exciting or what?

Ok... I am going to try and be productive, I'm not sure if it's going to be creatively or unconsciously. I guess I'll find out.

NIGHT?

Clearly I need a shower and some sleep.

Self-centered, it's ironic.

I'm slowly getting over myself, but my self esteem has yet to hit rock bottom - it just keeps dropping. Everyday I continue to think about how I'll never be good enough, how fat I am, and how ugly in general I look. I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm tired of being a gross mess, but there's nothing I can really do about it, can I?

So this weekend my dad was up from Florida in Jersey so I had Saturday and Sunday off to spend time with him since I haven't seen him since November and who knows when I'll see him again.

It was an adventure for me because I had to find my way up there through public transportation. Which was pretty cool because it was my first time experimenting, but the cool thing is I can now get to New York on my own if I wanted - not like I would have a purpose in New York anyway. The point is, I can say I successfully used multiple forms of transportation with out any anxiety attacks or mistakes.

My dad's friend Barbara held a big BBQ with all of their friends so I got to see people who I haven't seen since I was 13 or younger. I just wanted to make a big announcement "I LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA. I GO TO UARTS. I AM A COMMUNICATION MAJOR. I WANT TO BE A WRITER." And then make my grand exit for everyone to talk shit behind my back. "She's such a bitch." "She's so ugly." "She got so heavy!" It would've been better that way. I also had a blast having nine little kids screaming my name all wanting me to play nine different games... ALL AT ONCE.

Today we went to New Hope which is like a little shopping village that is full of bikers, hippies, and gays. Oh and "Indian Dress Shops." Over-priced tourist area on narrow walk ways on the Delaware. Woo hoo. I got sunburned, a henna tattoo, and the record store is no where to be found.

Now I'm tired as fuck, in need of olive oil, and just plain annoyed with everything.

I'd post pictures of my henna and my dad being retarded on here, but my card reader is missing. I'll just have to wait for everyone to post the pictures on facebook.

Here are some gross ones to hold you over until then.

My hair only straightens well at 2am.

This is me trying to be cute, but instead I just looks like a stiff dumbass.

Bad hair, crooked eyes, no cleavage, pointy chin.

Um, ew.

Sun burn and old lady boobs.

Henna - three stars. I like the idea of a tattoo there of random stars but I'm too afraid to commit to a tattoo.

Normal pose.