Singing: "I only want what I can't have"

"I only want what I can't, I can't have"

I don't really have much to say, but I just want to contribute to and confirm the assumption of how crazy I am via photographs.

And I don't mean crazy with un-matching stripes.

(Surprisingly though, those socks do match each other.)

Prepare for a visual orgasm (by my standards of course)...

I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle - confess (So bury me in memory)

Now ash yourself, yeah, out on the insides, said I loved you but I lied

News Flash:

I. AM. A. BITCH.

Here's your self-centered post:

Guess what? I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

I am going to say it: We're not friends anymore.

Why? You're immature and a sore loser.

immatureadjective1 an immature Stilton cheese unripe, not mature, premature, unmellowed; undeveloped,unformed, unfinished, raw, embryonic. antonym ripe.2 an extremely immature girl childish, babyish, infantile, juvenile, adolescent, puerile,sophomoric, jejune, callow, green, tender, young, inexperienced, unsophisticated,unworldly, naive; informal wet behind the ears. See note at youthful . antonym mature,worldly.

Just so we're clear...

You and your ego got bent out of shape because you put yourself in the middle of something that had nothing to do with you to begin with, and then I made a few points defending myself and my likes, and all of a sudden I'm an asshole.

I really like your method: you can do and say whatever you want, but as soon as I kiss a boy I'm a slut and when I defend myself I'm an asshole. I forgot my place as a woman, I have to deal with whatever is said to me and keep my mouth shut. You and my favorite person in the world, my father, have the same view: women should be seen and not heard.

When would you like me to come over and do your laundry? I promise I'll wear nothing but a thong! (And that will save me time to find you good porn because you'll have live action voyerism right in front of you!)

Also, I really like the discussion you're having with your friends over how much of an asshole I am. It's reassuring. And I appreciate the insults from your sister - who's never even met me, she's just heard about how slutty and evil I am. Does she know that you expect women to keep their mouth's shut?

Hi, how are you! I am the evil slut your brother has been obsessed with since we were freshman in high school. I'm sorry for being a human being and I was not aware of the "situation" we were in. I hope you liked the shirt that I bought you! Have a great day!

My friends know how immature you are for getting bent out of shape over a Facebook comment. (What exactly was offensive, the fact that I stood up for myself or the fact that I called bull shit on your football habits?) And we make fun of you for your unrealistic point of view. Like I said before, usually the other person knows when you're in a relationship with them. (Then again, knowing me, I probably would've pulled the same slutty moves even if I did know, right?)

I suggest you take the dunda out of your ass before I shove another one up there to make you more of a stuck up, dickhead.

I am going to continue to be a bitch and asshole.

I am going to continue to like guys.

I am going to continue to flirt.

I am going to continue to myself.

I don't need you to make me happy and I certainly don't need you to exert the energy to bend over backwards for me. I was never worth it. And I'm glad I was waste of time.

And if you're really pissed that I stood up for myself and bitched you out - think about our first encounters: you harassed me and I yelled at you.

This formula is nothing new.

I'm fed up with your harassment and double standards.

And you're fed up with me being a strong person and a bitch.

Reality sucks, doesn't it?

And yet you still have no idea how I feel.

You're still the victim to my evil, bitchy ways.

I guess I really need to work on not having feelings, because who knew that it was against the law for women to feel anything and to have emotions!

(I can't imagine how terrible of a person I must be for liking football and baseball AND KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON!)

What year is it? 1952? My bad, for some reason I thought it was 2010.

i see that part of this has something to do with mediocre memory

this take is harder than the old and new combined

Hey, it's been awhile, I am going to try and get back in the habit of updating this again.

Since I last bailed:

- I'm 20 (not a teenager anymore).

- I bought my precious iPod Touch.

- The JONAS game on DS is the best.

- My table is covered in paper that I need to glue in my book of crazy.

- I flirt with guys and I don't care.

One of the reasons for this random update is, I would like to address some issues, and hopefully warn some of my current friends and family.

- If you hurt me in ANY way, and I forgive you and you turn around and do it again, I don't want anything to do with you.

- If you pull any double standard bull shit, go fuck yourself and leave me out of it.

- If you neglect to include me in on personal information that effects me as much as it does you. For example, typically, you tell someone when you're dating.

I am sick of putting up with people using me and abusing me, just to hurt my feelings so they can get off with a laugh. It is sick you go out of your way to find something to ruin what I like. I am done dealing with people screwing up, hurting my feelings, and trying to put the blame on me. A human can only put up with so much crap from one person. So next time you think about being funny or lying, maybe you shouldn't do it because if you do, it just shows how much you don't care, (and it doesn't matter how funny it is).

I can't deal with any of this anymore. I'm done.

(But then again to you all, my feelings clearly don't matter to you - I'm not slitting my wrists over you.)

YOU ARE ALL IMMATURE AND RIDICULOUS - I DON'T NEED YOUR NONSENSE.

Please grow up and stay out of my life, because I'm done with all of it.

This is all I need:

(Especially to make me happy.)

And all those things you say out of nowhere

I'm taken back by you

iTunes, you know me so well. :)

I can not take these boys. I really can't. They're everywhere. Driving me nuts. I want them all. I'm talking all over the spectrum. I have one in mind specifically that I think I may work for, but we all know how these things go.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Woo. I was really surprised when Anthony offered to buy me a present, even though I know he wouldn't actually buy me something.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Hopefully exciting too. As long as he isn't a fucking idiot.

I got my end of the semester cold early. My body couldn't hold back anymore. But with my luck this stupid cold/sinus nonsense will stick around until the end of the semester. My body hates me - but that's obvious.

I really hate girls. I know every girl hates other girls for being catty bitches, but really, we are - I'm being a catty bitch right now by complaining about girls being catty bitches. But srsly, some of us are just too much and it's ridiculous. You're friends because you're evil for no reason. And you're just a bunch of jealous whores, literally. I don't care that you hate me. I don't care that you want to get laid. I don't care. I can't help I have better curves than you. Just shut up or slit your throat before I do.

Tonight I have to write a seven- to ten-page paper. That's awesome. I'm not trying to write this stuff.

In better news, the Bears and Eagles are playing tonight! Woo! The perfect game for my birthday! We'll see if Jay Cutler has aim and if the defense can finally play without Urlacher. From a girl's perspective, I like both their uniforms, they both look really good.

The Giants finally won a stupid game.

And I want to meet a diehard Lions. I mean I'm talking s/he wakes up every Sunday morning saying "We've got this. We're going to win this week. I can feel it!" This person would be my best friend. No joke.

Last night Kaysie and I ushered/raffled a play. The usher dude was super serious and intense, it was awesome. Def a younger girl creeper. Lots of lesbians. The stage glowed with gays. It was a good. Definately a much better production of Seussical than Bird's.

Well I am going to watch the game and the Bears are going to either kick ass or get their asses kicked.

swine flu.

Thanks DB.

A.I.M.

Home is best. (Monacan wishes it was legit like the alt.)

The alternate is legit.

Not afraid to stare you down until you blink

It's everything I see, every part of me Gonna get what I deserve I got, I got nerve

For anyone who knows me, I will fight someone for an iPod Touch. I even posted my excitement in September about the $100 drop in price. Since my birthday is Monday and Christmas is a month later, I am going to save all of my gift money and purchase an iPod Touch for myself. Since my family can not afford such nonsense, I am taking it upon myself to get myself something I deserve. iPods and I have a very tragic history, and for once, I just want what I want with no trouble! Now, you might say to yourself, "Cassandra, why haven't you bought one of the cheaper iPods?" Well reader, the 8GB is out of the question since I have almost 10GB in my iTunes as of right now. And when the 16GB was available, I would've filled that up pretty quick, so 32 seems like a nice place for me to be.

I don't understand what my problem has been, I am a freak when it comes to boys. That's all my brain thinks about. And not in the "I need to get laid" kind of way, but in the "I'm suddenly surrounded by cute boys that actually talk to me." It's interesting, I feel like something has changed, where I'm now the pretty girl, rather than the weird outcast no one likes. (Note: I do NOT agree with this new movement of thought; I still feel like the old.)

Two more days until my birthday!

Four more days until I go home!

Thunder and lightning in the city is the prettiest and the scariest.

I really want a Nintendo DS. Of course I need another thing to distract me from life, but c'mon there's a JONAS game. And in this fabulous game, you can dress them! As Kirsten informed me, there probably isn't a Level X in the game, but I can trySLASHdream, right?

I need to wear blue and pigtails more often.

Yeah yeah, I know. Shush.

(I'd like to see you play professional football.)

Oh, it's a picture of perfection Ah, and the postcards gonna read

"Fuck yeah we can live like this... We can live like this."

(be tee dubs: "Put my glasses on So no one sees me" came in second.)

Sometimes I feel really pathetic. I feel like I don't strive for anything real. This is only in certain aspects of my life. Sure it's fun most of the time, but every once in a while I step back and think about dumb or ridiculous I'm being. Maybe when something real comes around I can stop thinking about and wanting ridiculous fantasies.

It was one of the weirdest feeling I had in a long time. I don't know how to describe it. It excited me, but not in the way I made it seem. I don't know how to explain it. I've felt a lot more than that before, but it wasn't awful either. It was almost just right. But I can not go there.

I feel like the other woman. I feel like I'm part of someone's quarter life crisis. I feel used.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to go back to normal.

My birthday is a week from today! I will finally be a real adult. Maybe all of my teen angst and immaturity will disappear over night. Probably not. I will be the same reject.

Right now I'm in a really weird place. So much writing to do, little motivation. I had a good writing day last Friday, but it was killed because of work. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I want to be constantly inspired. I don't know how I am going to survive this week.

I feel out of place.

Motion City Soundtrack let me down. Justin Pierre let me down. Motion City Soundtrack is one of the best bands I have ever heard. I love Justin's voice. I love MCS acoustic. It makes me melt. Justin has been on his Dino Trail and I was so excited to live in Center City and has access to just about anything. The Art Museum and Gianna's. Two place I can get to - one being one of my favorite places in the city. I got to the Art Museum too late. Gianna's was a fucking joke. No I wasn't outgoing or in his face, but I wasn't given the chance either. I was just some poor pathetic asshole eating a cheesesteak alone. The last thing I need is a cheesesteak.

I'm turning into a slut. And I hate it. I want to be 13 again and not care about my clothes. I want people to remember how ugly I am without the false image of my body. That's all anyone cares about anyway. Is my body. Again, what I have to say doesn't matter. I don't want to be me. I want to be the Christmas tree I once was.

Sometimes on Friday nights when I get off of work I order a large plain pizza. I sit by myself and eat the pizza. And it seems when I make this decision, Oxygen decides it's a good time to show "The Notebook" on TV. Not just once though, back to mother fucking back. And you know what, pathetically, that's all I watch. I eat my giant pizza and watch Ryan Gosling. And I am constantly reminded I will never have any of that. It really hit me today how pathetic and worthless I am. I'm really going to be alone for the rest of my life - it's official.

I don't even have the motivation or even a care for anything to do with Jonas. I want that all to go away.

I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm no one special, just another wide eyed girl who's desperately in love with you

I'm gonna say it. I think Joe Jonas is hot. Yes ma'am. I am comfortable enough to admit it. I'm 19 years old. I've hinted at this obsession and I have brought it up before, but I have reached a point where I can't go a day with out something Jonas related. Whether it is a song, their silly Disney Channel show, or simply just harassing the Internet until I find hot enough pictures to make me just want to pull on that new haircut. Maybe you don't understand, the thoughts in my head are worse than what you can find on the Internet for free some days. Yeah, I'm that pathetic. Even the song for my blog is a song written about him. (I really don't care if he dumped her - one less woman in my way!) Now, keep in mind, this obsession is only is only to the extreme extent it is because he's a virgin! And that shiny, silver band is so evil! It really taunts me! Yes, I know what you're thinking, I have gone completely insane. And I'm not going to deny it. But even if he wasn't so attractive, they're pretty damn funny. If you have some time to waste go to On Demand, Netflix, or wherever you watch TV and just watch one episode of JONAS. It's funny. Ask Em she thinks it's funny! Here, I'll give you a little taste of the show. And also confess that I would pay whatever amount; fight lions, tigers, and bears; and run away with the circus if I could be Chelsea Staub. Justwaituntilyoucumforthefirsttimemisterjonas(andhopefullyitllbewithme)

Link.

My brother survived his swine flu only to move on to bronchitis. Jesus is seriously out for this human being. First, he had some stomach virus, then we were good for a bit, we then returned back to puking, followed by a sinus infection, he then got to really taste the bacon, and now bronchitis is in the boy's lungs. Oh and somewhere in there he also hurt his ribs because some fat kid shouldered him in flag football.

Taylor Swift was on SNL over the weekend, I didn't watch it, but I saw the videos online later on 49823 of the 234738729 blogs I read. Her opening monologue is really funny even though she calls JoeBear a douche, but it's whatevs. Let's rewind, yes I said it was funny - I have no sense of humor, so you'll enjoy it.

Link.

I'm sure you've noticed, but each post title is a song lyric and and the first line of the blog is the next part of the song and it's linked to the lyrics. These songs aren't strategically picked. I literally open my iTunes, go to the iTunes DJ, and play the first song. I just get lucky and twist lyrics to fit my mood or the what the post will reflect.

For the record, my week got a little better. It hasn't been the greatest, but it is definitely an improvement.

In other shocking news, I do NOT think Robert Pattinson is attractive.

Shoot me.

Google's Sesame Street main pages have made my week. They are so cute! Cookie Monster was my favorite. This is Cookie Monster - this guy liked him too! Here they all are - even though this website wasn't too fond of the designs. :( But I am so cool and liked Cookie Monster so much, he made his way into my desktop folder!

Also, just out of pure curiosity I want to know how many people actually read my blog. So if you would just comment this post. I don't care what you say - it doesn't matter to me - maybe where you found it, what you like, what you hate - those are just starters in case you don't know what to comment. It can be anonymous if you want to keep yourself secret. Whatever you want. I'm just curious.

This is my Flash Dance look (now I know what I can be for Halloween next year):

Let's not talk about who/what I was thinking about.