Oh, it's a picture of perfection Ah, and the postcards gonna read

"Fuck yeah we can live like this... We can live like this."

(be tee dubs: "Put my glasses on So no one sees me" came in second.)

Sometimes I feel really pathetic. I feel like I don't strive for anything real. This is only in certain aspects of my life. Sure it's fun most of the time, but every once in a while I step back and think about dumb or ridiculous I'm being. Maybe when something real comes around I can stop thinking about and wanting ridiculous fantasies.

It was one of the weirdest feeling I had in a long time. I don't know how to describe it. It excited me, but not in the way I made it seem. I don't know how to explain it. I've felt a lot more than that before, but it wasn't awful either. It was almost just right. But I can not go there.

I feel like the other woman. I feel like I'm part of someone's quarter life crisis. I feel used.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to go back to normal.

My birthday is a week from today! I will finally be a real adult. Maybe all of my teen angst and immaturity will disappear over night. Probably not. I will be the same reject.

Right now I'm in a really weird place. So much writing to do, little motivation. I had a good writing day last Friday, but it was killed because of work. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I want to be constantly inspired. I don't know how I am going to survive this week.

I feel out of place.

Motion City Soundtrack let me down. Justin Pierre let me down. Motion City Soundtrack is one of the best bands I have ever heard. I love Justin's voice. I love MCS acoustic. It makes me melt. Justin has been on his Dino Trail and I was so excited to live in Center City and has access to just about anything. The Art Museum and Gianna's. Two place I can get to - one being one of my favorite places in the city. I got to the Art Museum too late. Gianna's was a fucking joke. No I wasn't outgoing or in his face, but I wasn't given the chance either. I was just some poor pathetic asshole eating a cheesesteak alone. The last thing I need is a cheesesteak.

I'm turning into a slut. And I hate it. I want to be 13 again and not care about my clothes. I want people to remember how ugly I am without the false image of my body. That's all anyone cares about anyway. Is my body. Again, what I have to say doesn't matter. I don't want to be me. I want to be the Christmas tree I once was.

Sometimes on Friday nights when I get off of work I order a large plain pizza. I sit by myself and eat the pizza. And it seems when I make this decision, Oxygen decides it's a good time to show "The Notebook" on TV. Not just once though, back to mother fucking back. And you know what, pathetically, that's all I watch. I eat my giant pizza and watch Ryan Gosling. And I am constantly reminded I will never have any of that. It really hit me today how pathetic and worthless I am. I'm really going to be alone for the rest of my life - it's official.

I don't even have the motivation or even a care for anything to do with Jonas. I want that all to go away.

O ka moana hanupanupa

Lalala i kala hanahana

(cover)

(link.)

Can I ask you a question?

Was it worth it? Was it worth losing and hurting everyone you knew? The past two weeks there have been so many things I've wanted to tell you. Within the past week I wish you were here with me more than ever. I'm not going to hold back. My feelings were really hurt. And they still are. Each day I spitefully wait to hear from you to deny you what you want. But as much as I want to hurt you the way you hurt me, I keep hurting. When I saw it, it made me happy. Not just because I knew you were hurt and alone, but because it was something you needed to do. But then again, what do I know. It's been maybe two days? And in another two it'll return? I wish we could talk, I really do, but I don't want to unless I get an apology - which I know I'm not going to get (a sincere one at least).

In the back of my head, I kept saying, "oh! I should put that in my blog!" but I've pretty much have forgotten all of it. Which makes this post EXTREMELY lively.

My mini cold (or swine flu as Kaysie called it) is pretty much gone. Most of the time I don't get sick during school, it's usually when the semester ends I get deathly ill. Like I was sick twice this past June. It's my body's way of letting go of all of the tension, sleepless nights, nonstop working, and never eating. Then all of a sudden I'm on my death bed, not breathing, and gasping for air.

At work I think my BFF is made up. It's kind of weird. Like, people would talk about him even if he wasn't there. He was working like every single day and joking that he probably makes my pay check in two days. Some days would even be 12 hours. This week, he's gone. I saw him Monday... And Tuesday he wasn't there. Friday I saw him for maybe 15 minutes of the five hours I was there. Today, he wasn't even there. I think he was too good to be true. So... we'll see if he's there tomorrow, and if he isn't then, I think he was just a figment of my imagination. Everything about him was too perfect (except his face).

Oh and as an update: I'm still a shitty person. (But not as shitty as others!)

(Gross. Don't click unless you want to.)

Anyone who says I don't need a pedicure needs to stop doing crack.

(link)

As a Hannah Montana viewer, this is really cute. I know I'm 12 and dumb. Go ahead and try and judge me. (You just wish you were around to hear me sing the JoBros when I'm home alone.)

PS: New layout. Whatchu think?