Not afraid to stare you down until you blink

It's everything I see, every part of me Gonna get what I deserve I got, I got nerve

For anyone who knows me, I will fight someone for an iPod Touch. I even posted my excitement in September about the $100 drop in price. Since my birthday is Monday and Christmas is a month later, I am going to save all of my gift money and purchase an iPod Touch for myself. Since my family can not afford such nonsense, I am taking it upon myself to get myself something I deserve. iPods and I have a very tragic history, and for once, I just want what I want with no trouble! Now, you might say to yourself, "Cassandra, why haven't you bought one of the cheaper iPods?" Well reader, the 8GB is out of the question since I have almost 10GB in my iTunes as of right now. And when the 16GB was available, I would've filled that up pretty quick, so 32 seems like a nice place for me to be.

I don't understand what my problem has been, I am a freak when it comes to boys. That's all my brain thinks about. And not in the "I need to get laid" kind of way, but in the "I'm suddenly surrounded by cute boys that actually talk to me." It's interesting, I feel like something has changed, where I'm now the pretty girl, rather than the weird outcast no one likes. (Note: I do NOT agree with this new movement of thought; I still feel like the old.)

Two more days until my birthday!

Four more days until I go home!

Thunder and lightning in the city is the prettiest and the scariest.

I really want a Nintendo DS. Of course I need another thing to distract me from life, but c'mon there's a JONAS game. And in this fabulous game, you can dress them! As Kirsten informed me, there probably isn't a Level X in the game, but I can trySLASHdream, right?

I need to wear blue and pigtails more often.

Yeah yeah, I know. Shush.

(I'd like to see you play professional football.)

Oh, it's a picture of perfection Ah, and the postcards gonna read

"Fuck yeah we can live like this... We can live like this."

(be tee dubs: "Put my glasses on So no one sees me" came in second.)

Sometimes I feel really pathetic. I feel like I don't strive for anything real. This is only in certain aspects of my life. Sure it's fun most of the time, but every once in a while I step back and think about dumb or ridiculous I'm being. Maybe when something real comes around I can stop thinking about and wanting ridiculous fantasies.

It was one of the weirdest feeling I had in a long time. I don't know how to describe it. It excited me, but not in the way I made it seem. I don't know how to explain it. I've felt a lot more than that before, but it wasn't awful either. It was almost just right. But I can not go there.

I feel like the other woman. I feel like I'm part of someone's quarter life crisis. I feel used.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to go back to normal.

My birthday is a week from today! I will finally be a real adult. Maybe all of my teen angst and immaturity will disappear over night. Probably not. I will be the same reject.

Right now I'm in a really weird place. So much writing to do, little motivation. I had a good writing day last Friday, but it was killed because of work. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I want to be constantly inspired. I don't know how I am going to survive this week.

I feel out of place.

Motion City Soundtrack let me down. Justin Pierre let me down. Motion City Soundtrack is one of the best bands I have ever heard. I love Justin's voice. I love MCS acoustic. It makes me melt. Justin has been on his Dino Trail and I was so excited to live in Center City and has access to just about anything. The Art Museum and Gianna's. Two place I can get to - one being one of my favorite places in the city. I got to the Art Museum too late. Gianna's was a fucking joke. No I wasn't outgoing or in his face, but I wasn't given the chance either. I was just some poor pathetic asshole eating a cheesesteak alone. The last thing I need is a cheesesteak.

I'm turning into a slut. And I hate it. I want to be 13 again and not care about my clothes. I want people to remember how ugly I am without the false image of my body. That's all anyone cares about anyway. Is my body. Again, what I have to say doesn't matter. I don't want to be me. I want to be the Christmas tree I once was.

Sometimes on Friday nights when I get off of work I order a large plain pizza. I sit by myself and eat the pizza. And it seems when I make this decision, Oxygen decides it's a good time to show "The Notebook" on TV. Not just once though, back to mother fucking back. And you know what, pathetically, that's all I watch. I eat my giant pizza and watch Ryan Gosling. And I am constantly reminded I will never have any of that. It really hit me today how pathetic and worthless I am. I'm really going to be alone for the rest of my life - it's official.

I don't even have the motivation or even a care for anything to do with Jonas. I want that all to go away.

"boys like you are overrated. so save your breath." loaded words and loaded friends are loaded guns to our heads

with every breath i wish your [my] body will be broken again, again

you will never see my picture next to this definition.

In my life, nothing has ever been good enough. I could give up everything I have to the homeless and no one would commend me, it would be "why aren't you doing anything for underprivileged kids?" or "you know there are neglect animals that you could be helping, right?" I will never be happy. I never have, never will. If I have remotely anything that could make me happy, instead of letting me have it, people have to find something "wrong" with it so I can't have that to make me happy. And taking what little light of happy away from me puts me right back at unhappy.

Sadly, I'm almost content with being alone and worthless.

I just wish I could be myself, get what I want, and be happy.

nevergonnahappen.

And I don't think anyone understands that I'm giving it up. It's going to go further than forgetting it ever happened. Even though it had the potential to be good, but not really.

I know, once a slut, always a slut. I have to live with it, not you.

I was in much better shape yesterday.

This sucks.

"And set this cruise control for crash."

For anyone who knows me, you know that my least favorite person in the world is myself. Now, it is over dramatic and whatnot, but on a more realistic level, it isn't just this over-exaggerated, pathetic story. Honestly, when I look in the mirror I can't stand what I see - mostly on a physical level. Go ahead and say it, I'm shallow, self-centered, and crazy. But I don't want to hear the sympathetic bull shit that I always get. Yeah, I know I brought it up, but it's the truth and I've been struggling a lot with it lately. I've been gaining weight, I constantly see pretty people, and I am just a mess.

I've always had a bad body image, because if you ask anyone to describe me it would probably be something like, "you know the girl with the dark hair and the big ass." Yeah, that's me. It's not something I'm proud of at all. Most days, I hate it. I wish it wasn't there because that's all people care about. It really is. You don't care what I have to say, what I want to do with my life, or what color my eyes are - could you even tell me what they are without looking at a picture? You just want to see how tight my pants are.

I know this is a dumb rant, but I've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to convey it anymore. All of my friends have heard this a million times and I don't think my newer friends would understand.

But, the one thing I do accept is this is all my fault. Yeah, my mom tells me I'm fat and my Nana tells me I look like Gene Simmons, but most of the time I can just laugh it off. But recently I did something I don't normally do and I regret it. I wasted a month of my time doing something that was POINTLESS. I presented myself wrong, I gave wrong impressions, and wasn't quite myself. For once, I didn't take anyone else's opinion seriously - I did what I wanted because they didn't "get it." I was wrong, I was the one who didn't "get it." And in the end, my feelings were hurt. And this is really the root for most of my self-hatred recently.

Plus, it never really helps being surrounded by people who are better than you in every possible way. It's hard to watch someone be good at something when you just fall on your face every time.

I'm not a good person, I'm never satisfied with anything, so I just have to keep going and learn to accept my flaws and deal with them in a better way.

I know I will never be good enough - don't argue - but I'm slowly learning that I am a dumb, bitchy, little kid, with a nice ass. I have accepted that I will never be pretty, gorgeous, hot, or even sexy. I will just be "cute" and "adorable" - you know it's just to hide how you really feel.

I don't even want to post this because of how awful it is, but maybe it'll make me feel a little better. Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the cool things going on in my life with lots of pictures!

Where I will be spending the rest of my summer...