Showing posts with label fail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fail. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"boys like you are overrated. so save your breath." loaded words and loaded friends are loaded guns to our heads






with every breath i wish your [my] body will be broken again, again



you will never see my picture next to this definition.

In my life, nothing has ever been good enough. I could give up everything I have to the homeless and no one would commend me, it would be "why aren't you doing anything for underprivileged kids?" or "you know there are neglect animals that you could be helping, right?" I will never be happy. I never have, never will. If I have remotely anything that could make me happy, instead of letting me have it, people have to find something "wrong" with it so I can't have that to make me happy. And taking what little light of happy away from me puts me right back at unhappy.

Sadly, I'm almost content with being alone and worthless.

I just wish I could be myself, get what I want, and be happy.
nevergonnahappen.

And I don't think anyone understands that I'm giving it up. It's going to go further than forgetting it ever happened. Even though it had the potential to be good, but not really.

I know, once a slut, always a slut. I have to live with it, not you.


I was in much better shape yesterday.


This sucks.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Oh! Bondage Up Yours!

So what is on my agenda? I have to read Jane Austen's "Emma." The whole damn thing tonight. 453 pages. Guess how many I've read? BINGO! 0! Yeah. I fail.
I don't know why I suck at reading but I do. So, I have the sparknotes and cliffnotes. I plan on watching "Clueless" and "Emma." Luckily, I have a 2L of mountain dew by my side (that I am not pouring into a glass) to help keep me going.

I can't wait to start my new job. And I can't wait to start my new job with Em! It's going to be better than the nonsense currently at the RitMar. Oh hey, it's rude and unprofessional to obsessively stare and whistle at a coworker you motherfucker.

I honestly don't have much to say right now. Nothing exciting is going on. I am still a freak and whatnot. So I am going to go chop my head off and read until my eyes bleed.

Goodnight.

Damnit! I don't have a picture!

Emma?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"And set this cruise control for crash."

For anyone who knows me, you know that my least favorite person in the world is myself. Now, it is over dramatic and whatnot, but on a more realistic level, it isn't just this over-exaggerated, pathetic story. Honestly, when I look in the mirror I can't stand what I see - mostly on a physical level. Go ahead and say it, I'm shallow, self-centered, and crazy. But I don't want to hear the sympathetic bull shit that I always get. Yeah, I know I brought it up, but it's the truth and I've been struggling a lot with it lately. I've been gaining weight, I constantly see pretty people, and I am just a mess.

I've always had a bad body image, because if you ask anyone to describe me it would probably be something like, "you know the girl with the dark hair and the big ass." Yeah, that's me. It's not something I'm proud of at all. Most days, I hate it. I wish it wasn't there because that's all people care about. It really is. You don't care what I have to say, what I want to do with my life, or what color my eyes are - could you even tell me what they are without looking at a picture? You just want to see how tight my pants are.

I know this is a dumb rant, but I've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to convey it anymore. All of my friends have heard this a million times and I don't think my newer friends would understand.

But, the one thing I do accept is this is all my fault. Yeah, my mom tells me I'm fat and my Nana tells me I look like Gene Simmons, but most of the time I can just laugh it off. But recently I did something I don't normally do and I regret it. I wasted a month of my time doing something that was POINTLESS. I presented myself wrong, I gave wrong impressions, and wasn't quite myself. For once, I didn't take anyone else's opinion seriously - I did what I wanted because they didn't "get it." I was wrong, I was the one who didn't "get it." And in the end, my feelings were hurt. And this is really the root for most of my self-hatred recently.

Plus, it never really helps being surrounded by people who are better than you in every possible way. It's hard to watch someone be good at something when you just fall on your face every time.

I'm not a good person, I'm never satisfied with anything, so I just have to keep going and learn to accept my flaws and deal with them in a better way.

I know I will never be good enough - don't argue - but I'm slowly learning that I am a dumb, bitchy, little kid, with a nice ass. I have accepted that I will never be pretty, gorgeous, hot, or even sexy. I will just be "cute" and "adorable" - you know it's just to hide how you really feel.

I don't even want to post this because of how awful it is, but maybe it'll make me feel a little better. Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the cool things going on in my life with lots of pictures!


Where I will be spending the rest of my summer...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I am extremely unhappy and angry.

Right now everything is just irritating to me. The fact that I am still breathing makes me want to destroy the world.

I am lucky enough to have a dishwasher in my apartment, but now it is broken. Apparently, my roommates are so spoiled, they don't know how to live without a dishwasher. It's been broken for about a week now and the dishes have piled up. I go to school four days a week and work two jobs - they just go to school. How is it that I have found time to wash all of my dishes and they haven't? When Kirsten was here last week, she even washed dishes - SHE EVEN WASHED ONE OF HARMONY'S BECAUSE SHE NEEDED IT TO MAKE LASAGNA AND HARMONY DIDN'T WASH IT FROM HER ASPARAGUS! Yesterday, I couldn't/wouldn't cook on the stove. None of the pots were clean and there was a pan full of peppers. So I had to go use the last of my money to buy something to cook in the microwave. And get this, when I finished, I WASHED my dishes, and then PUT THEM AWAY - amazing, I know. Tonight on my 15 minute break I came up to find five glasses and mug washed. I was pissed and hungry (at this point, I had only eaten fruit loops at 11.30 this morning and it was now 7.15) so I just threw all of the stuff stove in the sink so I could make a grilled cheese. Then, I took my pan and plate and set them on the microwave with a note saying "I will wash these when I get off." I get home, there are clean dishes washed, not put away, and someone decided it would be a good idea to put mine in the sink. Well, I washed, dried, and put away my dishes before peeing and taking off my work clothes. Not. That. Hard. We'll see how long this goes on, because there are still dishes in the sink and on the stove that are being neglected.

We have a HUGE living room, with no furniture, I was smart enough to bring a comfy chair to lounge in. I didn't realize that this meant I was never going to be able to sit in my chair. Both of them sit in it and take it whenever they please. Harmony actually stole it from me one time while I was doing homework so she could eat dinner and watch TV. Thanks for making me do my homework on the floor.

Cable. Over the summer, we were discussing the things that we wanted/needed for the apartment. We all agreed that we needed Internet, but neither one of them wanted cable. Well, I got cable, internet, and phone. The deal was, I didn't pay electric and gas, but I paid comcast. That sounds like a good idea, except when they both sit in the living room watching TV with the computers in their laps. I pay $200 a month for Comcast and they pay about $40-$60 a month each for electric and gas. I am to the point, where I am going to tell them that they are going to have to start paying for that too because I was under the impression that by not wanting something meant never or rarely using it.

Comcast is on my murder list anyway, when we inquired about cable and Internet, they said that their Triple Play package was $125 a month. There was a slight catch that the first couple of months there would be an extra charge for installation and crap, but I didn't realize that meant $500. Guess who had to pay that?! Yup. My bills are still over $200. Now, this is where it gets really frustrating. On my bill, it has the "bundle charge" as $109. Then, it has an Internet services charge of like $40. Now, I know I am not a mathmetican, but 109 plus 40 does not equal $125. Never mind the fact that I am being charged for Internet twice. I plan on writing a letter to Comcast to complain. I'd just call customer service, but I hate customer service - I don't have time for rehersed human beings that won't actually help me.

I am going to write the North Star Bar a letter for completely screwing Fall Out Boy fans over last Friday. They told us we weren't allowed to be seen before 2PM. So after pacing around a shady block, we chose to go to a pizza place and hang out. We left the pizza place at 1.30 to get ready to ninja in line at 2. We peek around the corner to see that there is already a line. My first instinct was to NOT get in the line, because it was before 2, and they could very easily be like "HA! You can't get in because you lined up before 2." But, I looked closer, and I saw the secruity guard down at the front of the line. How can you be a dick about rules, then break them yourself? Needless to say, we didn't get it and we wasted an entire day in the ghetto.

There's this girl Leigh Ann at work, don't get me wrong, she is nice to me (which is rare for a human being to do) and she is pretty funny, but sometimes I just want to tell her to shut up. She talks about how smart she is and blahblahblah, yet she's failing community college? She wanted to bazillion major in Anthropolgy, Russian, and like eight other things that no one really cares about. And now, all of a sudden, she wants to go to art school for Musical Theatre or "Video Production." (By video production, she means broadcast journalism - oh by the way, she didn't know the term, I had to tell her.) Tonight she was talking about all of the pericings and tattoos she still wants to get (she has like 8 peicings and 4 tattoos already) and she wants more. I am not a shallow person who judges someone one peircings and tattoos, but when you have an abundance of them, musical theatre and broadcast journalism aren't very smart fields to go into.

I live with such geniuses, that someone turned the radiator on in the kitchen, with the two trash bags (that they are neglecting to take out) left up against it. Go ahead burn the building down.

This is just a bad week. Everything that can go wrong has and will go wrong.

jnkghs;fg;kshfgyi['sdg'sl!

I should probably be introduced to new music.

My artist of the week thing has kind of failed. Apparently, I only listen to 3OH!3 and CFOB according to my last.fm. Oops!

I think I will see if my roommate will let me borrow her iPod cord and I'll scrobble that to see what happens. My iPod is a competition between 3OH!3 and Leland Grant, so we'll see what happens.

I honestly haven't listened to much music recently, I should probably fix that...

Oh yay.

I have my screen back. I don't know why it died or why it came back. So, I suppose that's good. Now I can go back to being a functioning blogger and procrastinator. No more angry, suicidal sidekick posts.

Monday, November 10, 2008

This is fucking great.

My computer screen died out of fucking nowhere.
I want to kill myself.
--Cassandar