O ka moana hanupanupa

Lalala i kala hanahana

(cover)

(link.)

Can I ask you a question?

Was it worth it? Was it worth losing and hurting everyone you knew? The past two weeks there have been so many things I've wanted to tell you. Within the past week I wish you were here with me more than ever. I'm not going to hold back. My feelings were really hurt. And they still are. Each day I spitefully wait to hear from you to deny you what you want. But as much as I want to hurt you the way you hurt me, I keep hurting. When I saw it, it made me happy. Not just because I knew you were hurt and alone, but because it was something you needed to do. But then again, what do I know. It's been maybe two days? And in another two it'll return? I wish we could talk, I really do, but I don't want to unless I get an apology - which I know I'm not going to get (a sincere one at least).

In the back of my head, I kept saying, "oh! I should put that in my blog!" but I've pretty much have forgotten all of it. Which makes this post EXTREMELY lively.

My mini cold (or swine flu as Kaysie called it) is pretty much gone. Most of the time I don't get sick during school, it's usually when the semester ends I get deathly ill. Like I was sick twice this past June. It's my body's way of letting go of all of the tension, sleepless nights, nonstop working, and never eating. Then all of a sudden I'm on my death bed, not breathing, and gasping for air.

At work I think my BFF is made up. It's kind of weird. Like, people would talk about him even if he wasn't there. He was working like every single day and joking that he probably makes my pay check in two days. Some days would even be 12 hours. This week, he's gone. I saw him Monday... And Tuesday he wasn't there. Friday I saw him for maybe 15 minutes of the five hours I was there. Today, he wasn't even there. I think he was too good to be true. So... we'll see if he's there tomorrow, and if he isn't then, I think he was just a figment of my imagination. Everything about him was too perfect (except his face).

Oh and as an update: I'm still a shitty person. (But not as shitty as others!)

(Gross. Don't click unless you want to.)

Anyone who says I don't need a pedicure needs to stop doing crack.

(link)

As a Hannah Montana viewer, this is really cute. I know I'm 12 and dumb. Go ahead and try and judge me. (You just wish you were around to hear me sing the JoBros when I'm home alone.)

PS: New layout. Whatchu think?

"boys like you are overrated. so save your breath." loaded words and loaded friends are loaded guns to our heads

with every breath i wish your [my] body will be broken again, again

you will never see my picture next to this definition.

In my life, nothing has ever been good enough. I could give up everything I have to the homeless and no one would commend me, it would be "why aren't you doing anything for underprivileged kids?" or "you know there are neglect animals that you could be helping, right?" I will never be happy. I never have, never will. If I have remotely anything that could make me happy, instead of letting me have it, people have to find something "wrong" with it so I can't have that to make me happy. And taking what little light of happy away from me puts me right back at unhappy.

Sadly, I'm almost content with being alone and worthless.

I just wish I could be myself, get what I want, and be happy.

nevergonnahappen.

And I don't think anyone understands that I'm giving it up. It's going to go further than forgetting it ever happened. Even though it had the potential to be good, but not really.

I know, once a slut, always a slut. I have to live with it, not you.

I was in much better shape yesterday.

This sucks.

"And set this cruise control for crash."

For anyone who knows me, you know that my least favorite person in the world is myself. Now, it is over dramatic and whatnot, but on a more realistic level, it isn't just this over-exaggerated, pathetic story. Honestly, when I look in the mirror I can't stand what I see - mostly on a physical level. Go ahead and say it, I'm shallow, self-centered, and crazy. But I don't want to hear the sympathetic bull shit that I always get. Yeah, I know I brought it up, but it's the truth and I've been struggling a lot with it lately. I've been gaining weight, I constantly see pretty people, and I am just a mess.

I've always had a bad body image, because if you ask anyone to describe me it would probably be something like, "you know the girl with the dark hair and the big ass." Yeah, that's me. It's not something I'm proud of at all. Most days, I hate it. I wish it wasn't there because that's all people care about. It really is. You don't care what I have to say, what I want to do with my life, or what color my eyes are - could you even tell me what they are without looking at a picture? You just want to see how tight my pants are.

I know this is a dumb rant, but I've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to convey it anymore. All of my friends have heard this a million times and I don't think my newer friends would understand.

But, the one thing I do accept is this is all my fault. Yeah, my mom tells me I'm fat and my Nana tells me I look like Gene Simmons, but most of the time I can just laugh it off. But recently I did something I don't normally do and I regret it. I wasted a month of my time doing something that was POINTLESS. I presented myself wrong, I gave wrong impressions, and wasn't quite myself. For once, I didn't take anyone else's opinion seriously - I did what I wanted because they didn't "get it." I was wrong, I was the one who didn't "get it." And in the end, my feelings were hurt. And this is really the root for most of my self-hatred recently.

Plus, it never really helps being surrounded by people who are better than you in every possible way. It's hard to watch someone be good at something when you just fall on your face every time.

I'm not a good person, I'm never satisfied with anything, so I just have to keep going and learn to accept my flaws and deal with them in a better way.

I know I will never be good enough - don't argue - but I'm slowly learning that I am a dumb, bitchy, little kid, with a nice ass. I have accepted that I will never be pretty, gorgeous, hot, or even sexy. I will just be "cute" and "adorable" - you know it's just to hide how you really feel.

I don't even want to post this because of how awful it is, but maybe it'll make me feel a little better. Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the cool things going on in my life with lots of pictures!

Where I will be spending the rest of my summer...

:(

My best friend went home today. :(



Yes, I enjoy "Hannah Montana." Thanks.