"And set this cruise control for crash."

For anyone who knows me, you know that my least favorite person in the world is myself. Now, it is over dramatic and whatnot, but on a more realistic level, it isn't just this over-exaggerated, pathetic story. Honestly, when I look in the mirror I can't stand what I see - mostly on a physical level. Go ahead and say it, I'm shallow, self-centered, and crazy. But I don't want to hear the sympathetic bull shit that I always get. Yeah, I know I brought it up, but it's the truth and I've been struggling a lot with it lately. I've been gaining weight, I constantly see pretty people, and I am just a mess.

I've always had a bad body image, because if you ask anyone to describe me it would probably be something like, "you know the girl with the dark hair and the big ass." Yeah, that's me. It's not something I'm proud of at all. Most days, I hate it. I wish it wasn't there because that's all people care about. It really is. You don't care what I have to say, what I want to do with my life, or what color my eyes are - could you even tell me what they are without looking at a picture? You just want to see how tight my pants are.

I know this is a dumb rant, but I've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to convey it anymore. All of my friends have heard this a million times and I don't think my newer friends would understand.

But, the one thing I do accept is this is all my fault. Yeah, my mom tells me I'm fat and my Nana tells me I look like Gene Simmons, but most of the time I can just laugh it off. But recently I did something I don't normally do and I regret it. I wasted a month of my time doing something that was POINTLESS. I presented myself wrong, I gave wrong impressions, and wasn't quite myself. For once, I didn't take anyone else's opinion seriously - I did what I wanted because they didn't "get it." I was wrong, I was the one who didn't "get it." And in the end, my feelings were hurt. And this is really the root for most of my self-hatred recently.

Plus, it never really helps being surrounded by people who are better than you in every possible way. It's hard to watch someone be good at something when you just fall on your face every time.

I'm not a good person, I'm never satisfied with anything, so I just have to keep going and learn to accept my flaws and deal with them in a better way.

I know I will never be good enough - don't argue - but I'm slowly learning that I am a dumb, bitchy, little kid, with a nice ass. I have accepted that I will never be pretty, gorgeous, hot, or even sexy. I will just be "cute" and "adorable" - you know it's just to hide how you really feel.

I don't even want to post this because of how awful it is, but maybe it'll make me feel a little better. Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the cool things going on in my life with lots of pictures!

Where I will be spending the rest of my summer...

Let's Get Crazy

If I haven't mentioned my hate for boys, let me state it now. I HATE BOYS!  Granted, I don't help the situations at all, but that's still not fair!  This is seriously driving me nuts.  I am not even myself!  No, you don't understand, I can't be mean.  Yes, I said that I, Cassandra, can not be mean to a human being.  Srsly, wtf.

Anyway.

Friday night Sam and Em came over and we watched CSI, ate food and cookie dough, and even baked some cookies.  And we even took awkward, awesome, artistic-esque pictures of Sam's mouth (she found a weird spot on her back tooth). 

On Saturday night Sam and I got all dressed up and she made me look pretty and we strutted around Philly and went out to dinner at Oliver Garden.  It was nice to finally eat a decent amount of food since my previous illness killed my appetite to the point where a granola bar was enough for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all in-between 'nacks.  Afterwards we walked back over to our neighborhood and harassed the park by walking around it 8758349653 times.  Eventually we got bored with that and ventured into Barnes and Noble to find two gay men fighting because one tried to fuck a straight guy.  We scared our friend Mark as he came out of work followed by a trip to Wendy's where I was graceful and classy (as usual) and dumped frostyshake on myself.

Monday was another almost-all-day-sam-day.  When she got off I went to her house and helped her clean her room and go through her clothes, which meant I got some cool Sam stuff to wear now.  Then three hours later and after 90210-ness, Sam and I met up again.  We sat in the park then her boyfriend called and we helped him find a parking spot.  They helped me hang up my posters and fix my bed.

Finally, on Tuesday, I had to work (LAME) and I got to hang out with Em and Frank.  I was STARVING before work and never actually found any food, so I was really anxious to eat my sandwich, which went missing.  Why wouldn't it?  So I don't have time to wait for Dave to make me a new one, so I eat cookies.  And of course when I get back from break, he found my sandwich.  What would you like me to do a sandwich that I can't eat until 10 and I'm still hungry?  After work Frank and I went on an adventure to get pizza on South Street where I ate three very large slices of pizza which is probably equivalent to about six regular slices.  This is why I'm fat.  It was nice hanging out with Frank though.  He's such a nice person.  He's easy to talk to and we can talk about hot guys and hot girls together and he pretty much gets everything.  He even walked me home at midnight even though it was like 10 blocks from his house.

Today I have a day off and I am going to spend it being lazy and trying to figure out why exactly I am sick... AGAIN.  And maybe a trip to CVS to buy Flinstones vitamins I have been advised by several people to buy.

Sam's mouth...

Shitty dirty mirror picture.

Myspace angle.

Gross bathroom background FTL.

Dare you to fucking judge me.

3DDucca

You didn't know I was a pirate?

Sleeping pirate with a penis-pig-snout-anchor-tattoo

Written on the Train (5/26/09)

Dear Blog,

It’s been awhile.  I walked away in December for a couple different reasons.  The main one being my class ended, so why keep up?  Well, if I remember correctly, one of the points of the class was to try and have a meaningful blog to establish ourselves as writers?  That being said, I crashed and burned pretty hard at the end of that semester so I chose to walk away from it.

On my first adventure this summer, I decided that I should probably pick the blogging habit up again and for real try this time.  Considering, in the fall I will be taking Writing for the Web, and I’m 97.9% sure I will have to blog again – it takes seven days to create a habit!

So, this post serves as a re-introduction and instead of playing catch up, we’ll just jump right into my life.

Here goes nothing…

School ended a couple weeks ago and I think it had to have been the worst so far.  The moral of the story is, don’t get hit by a car at the beginning of finals week.  (Oh, don’t worry.  I was fine it was just a bump.  Clearly, I am still alive.  But I still don’t recommend it at all.)

I guess you can say my summer is in full swing?  Well, to a certain extent.  I am currently being scheduled full time since I am down to one job for the summer – I love working seven days in a row!  But because of this full time cashier position and pretending to be a grown up with an apartment and bills, I am not spending my summer in RVA – you know, the 8OH!4.  But hopefully, my social life will expand a bit more, because believe it or not, I now have friends in this city (Sam, Em, and Mark).  Em promised me a good summer, so I’ll let you know whether or not she’s holding her side of the deal.  Can’t. Wait. To. Hang. Out.

This past weekend, I took a trip home for my mom’s housewarming party.  It almost offends me when people’s first reactions to learning that my mom moved is, “did she tell you?”  Why wouldn’t she tell me?  People must have awful parents…

Anyway, so I spent Friday night at my favorite subway and hanging out with my BFFs, brother, Nana and Pop-Pop, and of course my mom and stepdad and his mom.  Ali, Kirsten, and I did visit my favorite store, Wal-Mart, at 1 o’clock in the morning and almost died going through neighborhoods at 70MPH. 

Saturday I drove Kirsten to PAL so she could get her new kitten Kreacher checked out and stuff.  It was a nice day at home full of harassment – my favorite. 

Sunday was the “warm house party” and naturally, large groups of people bring out the best of me and Christopher (my brother).  Of course, when I find out the group of boys are playing a boxing game on the PS3, I decide real boxing is a much better idea and get my boxing gloves to box my brother in the family room in front of a bunch of strangers.  I also got to see my friend Shatara from high school for the first time in a year and a half, and that was pretty awesome.  I forgot how much I love her and NEED her in my life.  I hate meeting new people that don’t get you and they don’t even try to understand what you’re doing.  On Sunday I did a lot of standing around with a fake smile, talking to strangers, and telling them all about art school and how much I like Philadelphia.

Monday was my designated shopping day because I hate everything about myself and want to start over, (I know I won’t change, I’m too stubborn).  I only bought a pair of jeans and belly button decorations.  Kohls and Target failed me.  We also took my brother bowling, which was a fun adventure.  It’s always amusing when you put a group of Chesterfield kids into a place full of Short Pump kids – oh boy are we 73873647823 times more obnoxious than normal.  I won and scored a 100 – that was the highlight of my night.  I am also a cell phone thief.

Currently, we just pulled into Baltimore; so close to Philly, but too far from Richmond.  My trip home was cut way too short.  Slowly I’m finding out I am not ready to accept and deal with things I thought I was perfectly capable of doing.

Alright Blog, I am going to go and maybe take another nap and deicide who I am going to buy a pizza for tonight before I get to my city.  I’ll post you when I get back to my Internet.

Love,

Cassandra

Too much.

I want to be able to write something meaningful, but right now there's
no hope in that ever being accomplished. It's something I have always
wanted to do, and still haven't accomplished it.
I am so stressed out I don't know what to do anymore.
I wake up with a headache and angry that I got 8 hours of sleep because
I have things that need to be done.
My computer is still broken. I have to take it to the useless computer
people here and have them charge me money I don't have. But what is
even better is, what is wrong with my computer was recalled last fall
after I got my computer and guess what they PURPOSLY neglected to tell
us. So, back to writing papers and doing a whole project on my cell
phone.
I have a week to do my information concepts project. I started it last
night. Oh so tideous. I don't know how many hours I spent going through
my CDs, trying to figure out what ones were missing, what ones were on
my computer, and getting 235 CDs to fit on 20 pieces of paper front and
back. Now I just have to convince my roommate to let me borrow her
computer so I can install my printer and print shit out. This will be
fun. I still have to sort my t shirts and shoes. Then put the whole
thing together. I don't think I'll sleep this week.
I haven't even started my media forms and concepts project because of my
lack of computer, so I will have to sidekick-it. I'll just have to wait
30 minutes for myspace to load, 20 minutes for Oh, Hush!'s myspace to
load, then probably about 10 minutes for each blog that there are 70-100
of. Then take notes on each one and take the important stuff then write
all of the papers on my sidekick. Oh and, no one is ever going to be
nice enough to help me with this.
Currently, I am still laying in bed because my roommate is in the
bathroom. I need to shower before I do anything else. We really need a
mirror in our bedroom.
I know I complain and whine too much, but it just happens. I guess I
could keep my mouth shut and go on not talking about my problems. No
one cares anyway. I should probably go find a good corner to cry in.
I just want things to be normal and function nicely like it does for
other people.
One thing I am excited about is, Christopher Guiterrez will have sent me
a new book by Christmas. He always makes me feel better. I think it's
an audio book day.

PS: please excuse any spelling (and maybe even grammar) mistakes, I
don't have a spell checker. :(
--Cassandar

Bfrhedwsj

I'm all alone again.
--Cassandar

Meh

It really sucks to find out you really don't have any talent
whatsoever. And it really sucks to feel like everyone around you lies
to make you feel better.

I have to let go and give up.

--Cassandar

This is how awesome my life is

I have to write my paper tonight on my phone, that has no screen light,
because my computer screen isn't working. It's been over two days since
I've had a screen. I have a headache that won't go away. I'm on the
verge of tears. I can't do this anymore. I can't take my computer to
the stupid computer people here because they just treat you like crap
and tell you you're dumb. Plus, I can't afford the $200 rental because
I have 78 cents in my checking account, my dad won't give me money
because his "wife" hasn't worked in four months which is my fault, and
my mom has managed to save up $140 in 3 months.

Life is wonderful.

--Cassandar