Move Like You're Going to Die

Don't judge me.

So, what have i learned this summer?

- I'm a bigger freak/nut than I want to admit and/or hide.

- I'm not as mean as people think, but I am ruder than I would like to be.

- I hate all of my clothes and the only clothes I can find that I like are the Miley & Max collection at Wal-Mart.

- I am a super shitty friend, but the shitty is slowly exiting.

- I look like a hipster and scenester had a baby.

- I don't have any time to deal with anyone's nonsense, but everyone has to deal with mine.

- Hello, I am a needy, double-edged sword.

- I like TV shows with numbers: "90210;" "Beverly Hills, 90210;" and "10 Things I Hate About You"

- I should get paid for crying.

- I kinda have an idea for a tattoo that I'm too afraid to be stuck with forever, so I'll keep piercing things - I'm at nine.

Hipster/Scenester Child

Don't worry, I'm still the same big forehead I've always been.

Oh hey, I have a twitter. You can try and follow me, but please understand:

- I am not a slut

- My sense of humor does not match those of normal people

- Most of the time you won't understand me

- I do not drunk tweet, I sleep and anxiety tweet

(Really, do I have rules for following me on Twitter?)

I'm going to leave you with a rap by Sambitious:

bitches and hoes, bitches and hoes. for just one dolla, they will make me holla. expecially cassandra, with an ass so nice. with just a look she'll make me cum twice. and she's mad fine, with an attitude - freshhhh. and in the hood, she's known as c-death. WERD

run it back again.

The last couple of days haven't been the best, but it was only a matter of time until I crashed. I just feel let down, useless, and not good enough - once again proving it's true. Too much RitMar drama for me to handle, people let me down, and being alone. That's all my life has come to the last couple of days. I don't understand what I did to be treated like I am nothing to people. I am tired of people not listening to what I have to say and not understanding anything. I give up. Tonight was a good lesson for me. I'm not going out anymore. I don't want to and no one will ever ask me to anyway. I promise I'm not fun to be around.

Currently, I am a mess. I don't know what I'm writing about. I feel like I don't have any friends, even though I do, but at the same time I kind of don't want them to be my friends because maybe my misery won't be as bad if I didn't have them to be useless to. Make sense? Probably not.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wish I could work 7-10 everyday because not only would I not always be worried about money, but I wouldn't have any time to spend all of my money on NOTHING, and I wouldn't have to be me. I can just go and have a BIG fake smile on my face and tell customers I am doing well when really I am dying on the inside. I can have a group of people talk to me and seem like they think I am a decent human, but in reality if they met me in any other circumstance I would be the butt of all of their jokes - for all I know I still could be. 7-10 everyday... work is all I would do. Because when I got off I'd be so tired I'd want to sleep and it's not like I'd have any plans that would interfere with my early arrival time because I don't have friends. What a perfect life I would have. It would be nice. But not only is nothing perfect, but my life is as far away from anything good as it can possibly go. (Is that a sentence?)

I'm really about to just go to sleep. What else is there for me to do? I'm worthless.

UGH. I JUST WANT TO BE MAULED BY A FUCKING BEAR.

Is it just me, or does anyone else thing chest hair is gross? Why do men feel the need to wear v-neck t's and unbutton six buttons down to show off their mock gorilla chest hair? I think it's disgusting. It seriously makes me gag. Not that it would matter to anyone because my opinion means shit. Men are still going to run around like clothed apes - it's a plot to kill me, isn't it?

ok. you know what. i need to get over myself. sorry for blabbing here. I'm going to go write my screenplay that I started when I was happier and obsessed.

makemehappy.

Self-centered, it's ironic.

I'm slowly getting over myself, but my self esteem has yet to hit rock bottom - it just keeps dropping. Everyday I continue to think about how I'll never be good enough, how fat I am, and how ugly in general I look. I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm tired of being a gross mess, but there's nothing I can really do about it, can I?

So this weekend my dad was up from Florida in Jersey so I had Saturday and Sunday off to spend time with him since I haven't seen him since November and who knows when I'll see him again.

It was an adventure for me because I had to find my way up there through public transportation. Which was pretty cool because it was my first time experimenting, but the cool thing is I can now get to New York on my own if I wanted - not like I would have a purpose in New York anyway. The point is, I can say I successfully used multiple forms of transportation with out any anxiety attacks or mistakes.

My dad's friend Barbara held a big BBQ with all of their friends so I got to see people who I haven't seen since I was 13 or younger. I just wanted to make a big announcement "I LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA. I GO TO UARTS. I AM A COMMUNICATION MAJOR. I WANT TO BE A WRITER." And then make my grand exit for everyone to talk shit behind my back. "She's such a bitch." "She's so ugly." "She got so heavy!" It would've been better that way. I also had a blast having nine little kids screaming my name all wanting me to play nine different games... ALL AT ONCE.

Today we went to New Hope which is like a little shopping village that is full of bikers, hippies, and gays. Oh and "Indian Dress Shops." Over-priced tourist area on narrow walk ways on the Delaware. Woo hoo. I got sunburned, a henna tattoo, and the record store is no where to be found.

Now I'm tired as fuck, in need of olive oil, and just plain annoyed with everything.

I'd post pictures of my henna and my dad being retarded on here, but my card reader is missing. I'll just have to wait for everyone to post the pictures on facebook.

Here are some gross ones to hold you over until then.

My hair only straightens well at 2am.

This is me trying to be cute, but instead I just looks like a stiff dumbass.

Bad hair, crooked eyes, no cleavage, pointy chin.

Um, ew.

Sun burn and old lady boobs.

Henna - three stars. I like the idea of a tattoo there of random stars but I'm too afraid to commit to a tattoo.

Normal pose.

Standard Abstract Obvious Post

Something struck me today and I wish things had turned out differently. Even if different meant friends. I think we could be friends. But sometimes I wish we went about things in a more mature way. Neither one of were good at whatever we were doing. Too much misunderstandings and attitude. And sadly, I don't even think I'm sorry for the way I act(ed). Is it possible to start over? You know, just go out and get a pizza and take a walk? Wait, what am I thinking? It's never going to work out in my favor and more than likely not yours either. So where does this put us? Nowhere. For the better? We'll never know. It's a demented game of tag that needs to end.

:/?

yhwodissimuoythgirwon?ftwsignorwhtiwem?

Sam and I are cooler than you.

Bring it.

We went swimming in our clothes and got in trouble by a jerkoff attendant.

Oh yeah, be jealous. :)

Poor Frank... :(

Be jealous, we're touching!

BFF's

We're hot.

Rockstarrrrrrrsssss

$¢3n3!

Ultimate scene kid!

Look at that hair!

You want me.

Clearly cooler than you.

Tighttttt!

$0 $¢3n3

peace!

we're legit fishies, right?

Goodnight internets. <3

"And set this cruise control for crash."

For anyone who knows me, you know that my least favorite person in the world is myself. Now, it is over dramatic and whatnot, but on a more realistic level, it isn't just this over-exaggerated, pathetic story. Honestly, when I look in the mirror I can't stand what I see - mostly on a physical level. Go ahead and say it, I'm shallow, self-centered, and crazy. But I don't want to hear the sympathetic bull shit that I always get. Yeah, I know I brought it up, but it's the truth and I've been struggling a lot with it lately. I've been gaining weight, I constantly see pretty people, and I am just a mess.

I've always had a bad body image, because if you ask anyone to describe me it would probably be something like, "you know the girl with the dark hair and the big ass." Yeah, that's me. It's not something I'm proud of at all. Most days, I hate it. I wish it wasn't there because that's all people care about. It really is. You don't care what I have to say, what I want to do with my life, or what color my eyes are - could you even tell me what they are without looking at a picture? You just want to see how tight my pants are.

I know this is a dumb rant, but I've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to convey it anymore. All of my friends have heard this a million times and I don't think my newer friends would understand.

But, the one thing I do accept is this is all my fault. Yeah, my mom tells me I'm fat and my Nana tells me I look like Gene Simmons, but most of the time I can just laugh it off. But recently I did something I don't normally do and I regret it. I wasted a month of my time doing something that was POINTLESS. I presented myself wrong, I gave wrong impressions, and wasn't quite myself. For once, I didn't take anyone else's opinion seriously - I did what I wanted because they didn't "get it." I was wrong, I was the one who didn't "get it." And in the end, my feelings were hurt. And this is really the root for most of my self-hatred recently.

Plus, it never really helps being surrounded by people who are better than you in every possible way. It's hard to watch someone be good at something when you just fall on your face every time.

I'm not a good person, I'm never satisfied with anything, so I just have to keep going and learn to accept my flaws and deal with them in a better way.

I know I will never be good enough - don't argue - but I'm slowly learning that I am a dumb, bitchy, little kid, with a nice ass. I have accepted that I will never be pretty, gorgeous, hot, or even sexy. I will just be "cute" and "adorable" - you know it's just to hide how you really feel.

I don't even want to post this because of how awful it is, but maybe it'll make me feel a little better. Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the cool things going on in my life with lots of pictures!

Where I will be spending the rest of my summer...

Let's Get Crazy

If I haven't mentioned my hate for boys, let me state it now. I HATE BOYS!  Granted, I don't help the situations at all, but that's still not fair!  This is seriously driving me nuts.  I am not even myself!  No, you don't understand, I can't be mean.  Yes, I said that I, Cassandra, can not be mean to a human being.  Srsly, wtf.

Anyway.

Friday night Sam and Em came over and we watched CSI, ate food and cookie dough, and even baked some cookies.  And we even took awkward, awesome, artistic-esque pictures of Sam's mouth (she found a weird spot on her back tooth). 

On Saturday night Sam and I got all dressed up and she made me look pretty and we strutted around Philly and went out to dinner at Oliver Garden.  It was nice to finally eat a decent amount of food since my previous illness killed my appetite to the point where a granola bar was enough for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all in-between 'nacks.  Afterwards we walked back over to our neighborhood and harassed the park by walking around it 8758349653 times.  Eventually we got bored with that and ventured into Barnes and Noble to find two gay men fighting because one tried to fuck a straight guy.  We scared our friend Mark as he came out of work followed by a trip to Wendy's where I was graceful and classy (as usual) and dumped frostyshake on myself.

Monday was another almost-all-day-sam-day.  When she got off I went to her house and helped her clean her room and go through her clothes, which meant I got some cool Sam stuff to wear now.  Then three hours later and after 90210-ness, Sam and I met up again.  We sat in the park then her boyfriend called and we helped him find a parking spot.  They helped me hang up my posters and fix my bed.

Finally, on Tuesday, I had to work (LAME) and I got to hang out with Em and Frank.  I was STARVING before work and never actually found any food, so I was really anxious to eat my sandwich, which went missing.  Why wouldn't it?  So I don't have time to wait for Dave to make me a new one, so I eat cookies.  And of course when I get back from break, he found my sandwich.  What would you like me to do a sandwich that I can't eat until 10 and I'm still hungry?  After work Frank and I went on an adventure to get pizza on South Street where I ate three very large slices of pizza which is probably equivalent to about six regular slices.  This is why I'm fat.  It was nice hanging out with Frank though.  He's such a nice person.  He's easy to talk to and we can talk about hot guys and hot girls together and he pretty much gets everything.  He even walked me home at midnight even though it was like 10 blocks from his house.

Today I have a day off and I am going to spend it being lazy and trying to figure out why exactly I am sick... AGAIN.  And maybe a trip to CVS to buy Flinstones vitamins I have been advised by several people to buy.

Sam's mouth...

Shitty dirty mirror picture.

Myspace angle.

Gross bathroom background FTL.

Dare you to fucking judge me.

3DDucca

You didn't know I was a pirate?

Sleeping pirate with a penis-pig-snout-anchor-tattoo

Written on the Train (5/26/09)

Dear Blog,

It’s been awhile.  I walked away in December for a couple different reasons.  The main one being my class ended, so why keep up?  Well, if I remember correctly, one of the points of the class was to try and have a meaningful blog to establish ourselves as writers?  That being said, I crashed and burned pretty hard at the end of that semester so I chose to walk away from it.

On my first adventure this summer, I decided that I should probably pick the blogging habit up again and for real try this time.  Considering, in the fall I will be taking Writing for the Web, and I’m 97.9% sure I will have to blog again – it takes seven days to create a habit!

So, this post serves as a re-introduction and instead of playing catch up, we’ll just jump right into my life.

Here goes nothing…

School ended a couple weeks ago and I think it had to have been the worst so far.  The moral of the story is, don’t get hit by a car at the beginning of finals week.  (Oh, don’t worry.  I was fine it was just a bump.  Clearly, I am still alive.  But I still don’t recommend it at all.)

I guess you can say my summer is in full swing?  Well, to a certain extent.  I am currently being scheduled full time since I am down to one job for the summer – I love working seven days in a row!  But because of this full time cashier position and pretending to be a grown up with an apartment and bills, I am not spending my summer in RVA – you know, the 8OH!4.  But hopefully, my social life will expand a bit more, because believe it or not, I now have friends in this city (Sam, Em, and Mark).  Em promised me a good summer, so I’ll let you know whether or not she’s holding her side of the deal.  Can’t. Wait. To. Hang. Out.

This past weekend, I took a trip home for my mom’s housewarming party.  It almost offends me when people’s first reactions to learning that my mom moved is, “did she tell you?”  Why wouldn’t she tell me?  People must have awful parents…

Anyway, so I spent Friday night at my favorite subway and hanging out with my BFFs, brother, Nana and Pop-Pop, and of course my mom and stepdad and his mom.  Ali, Kirsten, and I did visit my favorite store, Wal-Mart, at 1 o’clock in the morning and almost died going through neighborhoods at 70MPH. 

Saturday I drove Kirsten to PAL so she could get her new kitten Kreacher checked out and stuff.  It was a nice day at home full of harassment – my favorite. 

Sunday was the “warm house party” and naturally, large groups of people bring out the best of me and Christopher (my brother).  Of course, when I find out the group of boys are playing a boxing game on the PS3, I decide real boxing is a much better idea and get my boxing gloves to box my brother in the family room in front of a bunch of strangers.  I also got to see my friend Shatara from high school for the first time in a year and a half, and that was pretty awesome.  I forgot how much I love her and NEED her in my life.  I hate meeting new people that don’t get you and they don’t even try to understand what you’re doing.  On Sunday I did a lot of standing around with a fake smile, talking to strangers, and telling them all about art school and how much I like Philadelphia.

Monday was my designated shopping day because I hate everything about myself and want to start over, (I know I won’t change, I’m too stubborn).  I only bought a pair of jeans and belly button decorations.  Kohls and Target failed me.  We also took my brother bowling, which was a fun adventure.  It’s always amusing when you put a group of Chesterfield kids into a place full of Short Pump kids – oh boy are we 73873647823 times more obnoxious than normal.  I won and scored a 100 – that was the highlight of my night.  I am also a cell phone thief.

Currently, we just pulled into Baltimore; so close to Philly, but too far from Richmond.  My trip home was cut way too short.  Slowly I’m finding out I am not ready to accept and deal with things I thought I was perfectly capable of doing.

Alright Blog, I am going to go and maybe take another nap and deicide who I am going to buy a pizza for tonight before I get to my city.  I’ll post you when I get back to my Internet.

Love,

Cassandra