The last couple of days haven't been the best, but it was only a matter of time until I crashed. I just feel let down, useless, and not good enough - once again proving it's true. Too much RitMar drama for me to handle, people let me down, and being alone. That's all my life has come to the last couple of days. I don't understand what I did to be treated like I am nothing to people. I am tired of people not listening to what I have to say and not understanding anything. I give up. Tonight was a good lesson for me. I'm not going out anymore. I don't want to and no one will ever ask me to anyway. I promise I'm not fun to be around.
Currently, I am a mess. I don't know what I'm writing about. I feel like I don't have any friends, even though I do, but at the same time I kind of don't want them to be my friends because maybe my misery won't be as bad if I didn't have them to be useless to. Make sense? Probably not.
I really don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wish I could work 7-10 everyday because not only would I not always be worried about money, but I wouldn't have any time to spend all of my money on NOTHING, and I wouldn't have to be me. I can just go and have a BIG fake smile on my face and tell customers I am doing well when really I am dying on the inside. I can have a group of people talk to me and seem like they think I am a decent human, but in reality if they met me in any other circumstance I would be the butt of all of their jokes - for all I know I still could be. 7-10 everyday... work is all I would do. Because when I got off I'd be so tired I'd want to sleep and it's not like I'd have any plans that would interfere with my early arrival time because I don't have friends. What a perfect life I would have. It would be nice. But not only is nothing perfect, but my life is as far away from anything good as it can possibly go. (Is that a sentence?)
I'm really about to just go to sleep. What else is there for me to do? I'm worthless.
UGH. I JUST WANT TO BE MAULED BY A FUCKING BEAR.
Is it just me, or does anyone else thing chest hair is gross? Why do men feel the need to wear v-neck t's and unbutton six buttons down to show off their mock gorilla chest hair? I think it's disgusting. It seriously makes me gag. Not that it would matter to anyone because my opinion means shit. Men are still going to run around like clothed apes - it's a plot to kill me, isn't it?
ok. you know what. i need to get over myself. sorry for blabbing here. I'm going to go write my screenplay that I started when I was happier and obsessed.
makemehappy.
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