Self-centered, it's ironic.

I'm slowly getting over myself, but my self esteem has yet to hit rock bottom - it just keeps dropping. Everyday I continue to think about how I'll never be good enough, how fat I am, and how ugly in general I look. I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm tired of being a gross mess, but there's nothing I can really do about it, can I?

So this weekend my dad was up from Florida in Jersey so I had Saturday and Sunday off to spend time with him since I haven't seen him since November and who knows when I'll see him again.

It was an adventure for me because I had to find my way up there through public transportation. Which was pretty cool because it was my first time experimenting, but the cool thing is I can now get to New York on my own if I wanted - not like I would have a purpose in New York anyway. The point is, I can say I successfully used multiple forms of transportation with out any anxiety attacks or mistakes.

My dad's friend Barbara held a big BBQ with all of their friends so I got to see people who I haven't seen since I was 13 or younger. I just wanted to make a big announcement "I LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA. I GO TO UARTS. I AM A COMMUNICATION MAJOR. I WANT TO BE A WRITER." And then make my grand exit for everyone to talk shit behind my back. "She's such a bitch." "She's so ugly." "She got so heavy!" It would've been better that way. I also had a blast having nine little kids screaming my name all wanting me to play nine different games... ALL AT ONCE.

Today we went to New Hope which is like a little shopping village that is full of bikers, hippies, and gays. Oh and "Indian Dress Shops." Over-priced tourist area on narrow walk ways on the Delaware. Woo hoo. I got sunburned, a henna tattoo, and the record store is no where to be found.

Now I'm tired as fuck, in need of olive oil, and just plain annoyed with everything.

I'd post pictures of my henna and my dad being retarded on here, but my card reader is missing. I'll just have to wait for everyone to post the pictures on facebook.

Here are some gross ones to hold you over until then.

My hair only straightens well at 2am.

This is me trying to be cute, but instead I just looks like a stiff dumbass.

Bad hair, crooked eyes, no cleavage, pointy chin.

Um, ew.

Sun burn and old lady boobs.

Henna - three stars. I like the idea of a tattoo there of random stars but I'm too afraid to commit to a tattoo.

Normal pose.

Standard Abstract Obvious Post

Something struck me today and I wish things had turned out differently. Even if different meant friends. I think we could be friends. But sometimes I wish we went about things in a more mature way. Neither one of were good at whatever we were doing. Too much misunderstandings and attitude. And sadly, I don't even think I'm sorry for the way I act(ed). Is it possible to start over? You know, just go out and get a pizza and take a walk? Wait, what am I thinking? It's never going to work out in my favor and more than likely not yours either. So where does this put us? Nowhere. For the better? We'll never know. It's a demented game of tag that needs to end.

:/?

yhwodissimuoythgirwon?ftwsignorwhtiwem?

Sam and I are cooler than you.

Bring it.

We went swimming in our clothes and got in trouble by a jerkoff attendant.

Oh yeah, be jealous. :)

Poor Frank... :(

Be jealous, we're touching!

BFF's

We're hot.

Rockstarrrrrrrsssss

$¢3n3!

Ultimate scene kid!

Look at that hair!

You want me.

Clearly cooler than you.

Tighttttt!

$0 $¢3n3

peace!

we're legit fishies, right?

Goodnight internets. <3

"And set this cruise control for crash."

For anyone who knows me, you know that my least favorite person in the world is myself. Now, it is over dramatic and whatnot, but on a more realistic level, it isn't just this over-exaggerated, pathetic story. Honestly, when I look in the mirror I can't stand what I see - mostly on a physical level. Go ahead and say it, I'm shallow, self-centered, and crazy. But I don't want to hear the sympathetic bull shit that I always get. Yeah, I know I brought it up, but it's the truth and I've been struggling a lot with it lately. I've been gaining weight, I constantly see pretty people, and I am just a mess.

I've always had a bad body image, because if you ask anyone to describe me it would probably be something like, "you know the girl with the dark hair and the big ass." Yeah, that's me. It's not something I'm proud of at all. Most days, I hate it. I wish it wasn't there because that's all people care about. It really is. You don't care what I have to say, what I want to do with my life, or what color my eyes are - could you even tell me what they are without looking at a picture? You just want to see how tight my pants are.

I know this is a dumb rant, but I've been struggling for a while and I don't know how to convey it anymore. All of my friends have heard this a million times and I don't think my newer friends would understand.

But, the one thing I do accept is this is all my fault. Yeah, my mom tells me I'm fat and my Nana tells me I look like Gene Simmons, but most of the time I can just laugh it off. But recently I did something I don't normally do and I regret it. I wasted a month of my time doing something that was POINTLESS. I presented myself wrong, I gave wrong impressions, and wasn't quite myself. For once, I didn't take anyone else's opinion seriously - I did what I wanted because they didn't "get it." I was wrong, I was the one who didn't "get it." And in the end, my feelings were hurt. And this is really the root for most of my self-hatred recently.

Plus, it never really helps being surrounded by people who are better than you in every possible way. It's hard to watch someone be good at something when you just fall on your face every time.

I'm not a good person, I'm never satisfied with anything, so I just have to keep going and learn to accept my flaws and deal with them in a better way.

I know I will never be good enough - don't argue - but I'm slowly learning that I am a dumb, bitchy, little kid, with a nice ass. I have accepted that I will never be pretty, gorgeous, hot, or even sexy. I will just be "cute" and "adorable" - you know it's just to hide how you really feel.

I don't even want to post this because of how awful it is, but maybe it'll make me feel a little better. Hopefully tomorrow I can post about the cool things going on in my life with lots of pictures!

Where I will be spending the rest of my summer...