Farewell to the dreams we wish for...: October 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Can I ask you a question?

Was it worth it? Was it worth losing and hurting everyone you knew? The past two weeks there have been so many things I've wanted to tell you. Within the past week I wish you were here with me more than ever. I'm not going to hold back. My feelings were really hurt. And they still are. Each day I spitefully wait to hear from you to deny you what you want. But as much as I want to hurt you the way you hurt me, I keep hurting. When I saw it, it made me happy. Not just because I knew you were hurt and alone, but because it was something you needed to do. But then again, what do I know. It's been maybe two days? And in another two it'll return? I wish we could talk, I really do, but I don't want to unless I get an apology - which I know I'm not going to get (a sincere one at least).

In the back of my head, I kept saying, "oh! I should put that in my blog!" but I've pretty much have forgotten all of it. Which makes this post EXTREMELY lively.

My mini cold (or swine flu as Kaysie called it) is pretty much gone. Most of the time I don't get sick during school, it's usually when the semester ends I get deathly ill. Like I was sick twice this past June. It's my body's way of letting go of all of the tension, sleepless nights, nonstop working, and never eating. Then all of a sudden I'm on my death bed, not breathing, and gasping for air.

At work I think my BFF is made up. It's kind of weird. Like, people would talk about him even if he wasn't there. He was working like every single day and joking that he probably makes my pay check in two days. Some days would even be 12 hours. This week, he's gone. I saw him Monday... And Tuesday he wasn't there. Friday I saw him for maybe 15 minutes of the five hours I was there. Today, he wasn't even there. I think he was too good to be true. So... we'll see if he's there tomorrow, and if he isn't then, I think he was just a figment of my imagination. Everything about him was too perfect (except his face).

Oh and as an update: I'm still a shitty person. (But not as shitty as others!)

(Gross. Don't click unless you want to.)

Anyone who says I don't need a pedicure needs to stop doing crack.

(link)

As a Hannah Montana viewer, this is really cute. I know I'm 12 and dumb. Go ahead and try and judge me. (You just wish you were around to hear me sing the JoBros when I'm home alone.)

PS: New layout. Whatchu think?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"boys like you are overrated. so save your breath." loaded words and loaded friends are loaded guns to our heads

with every breath i wish ~~your~~ [my] body will be broken again, again

you will never see my picture next to this definition.

In my life, nothing has ever been good enough. I could give up everything I have to the homeless and no one would commend me, it would be "why aren't you doing anything for underprivileged kids?" or "you know there are neglect animals that you could be helping, right?" I will never be happy. I never have, never will. If I have remotely anything that could make me happy, instead of letting me have it, people have to find something "wrong" with it so I can't have that to make me happy. And taking what little light of happy away from me puts me right back at unhappy.

Sadly, I'm almost content with being alone and worthless.

I just wish I could be myself, get what I want, and be happy.

nevergonnahappen.

And I don't think anyone understands that I'm giving it up. It's going to go further than forgetting it ever happened. Even though it had the potential to be good, but not really.

I know, once a slut, always a slut. I have to live with it, not you.

I was in much better shape yesterday.

This sucks.

Shake-a, shake- sugar, But youll never shake me

Uh-uh-uh

Am.

Mentally.

Challenged.

My brain is fried. I'm sleep deprived. My lips are all fucked. I'm super confused and confident at the same time. My behavior is odd. I really need sleep. I really do.

I also need a vacation. BIG TIME. Halloween weekend I am going home to go to West Virginia. That will be nice.

Currently, I am super sick. Well, not swine super sick. But I sneeze and there is a major issue with me because I am a big baby. My lips are all swollen and red. My nose is no longer functioning with the rest of my body. What can I say, life is awesome.

Oh, hey, yeah you. Pretty much... I liked it. And by "pretty much" I mean I really did. Logically, my problem is solved. That's it. But logic wins in the end. It's like wanting something you can't have but really kind of can, but it in the end it's a big fat no. Make sense? Probably not.

My solution for life: pretend it nothing ever happened/ only deal with it when it comes up. And honestly, I don't see it coming up again.

What am I going to do with myself?

GNO!

I need a new belt.

I think that's called pathetic, but I'm not sure.

PS:

You should read this.

And in case any of you were wondering, I still feel the same way.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

You're getting worse and I know That you'll be calling, calling, calling me again

Link.

Two weekends in a row I have been let down by people I used to care about and I stupidly thought they care about me. But it isn't anything out of the ordinary for any of them. I am pretty sure I am okay with never speaking to any of you again. Yeah, one hurts more than the others, but it's whatever, I've made it this far without you. Without ANY of you. This isn't the first time I've made a descion like this. And in the end, I was right. But what do I know?

It's kind of ironic. You never took the time to find out why I was upset. And in the end, you did it too. But it's not like knowing would've made a difference. I knew I wasn't going to see you. I'll never see you again. And that's not my problem. You have to live knowing you screwed up.

I don't care.

I have more important things to worry about.

For instance...

- school

- work

- babysitting

- mistress-ing

But in the end, none of you care about my life. You're all a bunch of self-centered, assholes.

I need some ben&jerrys, JONAS, and Minutemen.

Please remove me permanetly from your life and stop pretending to care. I don't need any of you.

Bye.

I'm really cool by the way. We could make this work.

bears and pizza. life is awesome.

bearthefuckdown.

Oh yeah, you caught me.

Link.

Hi, my name is Cassandra, and I am retarded. Have we met? More than likely.

Ok, I know I'm obnoxious. I actually don't need anyone to point it out to me, because I'll tell you before you even notice. One of my obnoxious trends is to go all black. Everyone once in a while something strikes me and I paint my nails black, listen to a ton of The Clash, wear all six earrings, and wear black eyeshadow (black eyeliner is part of my daily routine). Tonight, I painted my nails black. Tomorrow, I will finish the pattern. Except, I kind of want to trade The Clash for Throwdown. Did I mention I'm dumb? I know what I'm doing by the way. I have just temporarily have gone CRAZY. LOL!

Anyway. I finally showered. (After a week.)

And. I slept the last two nights. Thanks Midol PM! It knocked me the FUCK out.

Ok. I need to calm the fuck down and nest.

Goodnight!

clean. straighten. bangs flipped.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I will never end up like him

Behind my back I already am

It has been a long time since I have been this hurt. It's has nothing to do with your predictable behavior - I never get my hopes up with you. It has everything to do with you telling me how I shouldn't feel. If I want to be angry with you for not even trying, your major lack of effort, and selfishness, I can and I will and I am. And what made it hurt even more is when I found out you lied to me. But then again, that's not uncommon when you're involved. Oh, don't worry about lecturing, I know that you're just going to tell me I'm ungrateful, selfish, and immature - the same as I was when I wouldn't amount to anything. Remember I wouldn't make it into college because my 3.0+ GPA was awful and I am stupid. I haven't cried that much in a while. I can't even remember the last time I cried over you that much. People make fun of teenagers for using Facebook and selling themselves out, well adults aren't too smart either. Looks like you had fun Sunday morning at breakfast. I sat alone and cried.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is thing called sleep people keep talking about? I am not familiar with that at all. There are nearly enough hours in the day to do anything. Forreal. My excessive and currently increased caffeine intake probably doesn't help. My problem.

This made my night yesterday. iminlove.

I'm trying to think of something interesting to entertain you (and myself) with, but I've got nothingggg.

Tomorrow is another busy day:

11-12: work study.

12-1: brian.

1-3ish: class.

3-5: work study.

5:15: subway adventure again.

7-10: toy story double feature attempt with Em again!

10-?????: reading "Little Women" and making advertisements.

Am I exciting or what?

Ok... I am going to try and be productive, I'm not sure if it's going to be creatively or unconsciously. I guess I'll find out.

NIGHT?

Clearly I need a shower and some sleep.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile?

Link.

So this is a post of links rather than pictures.

Remember PopAwesome?

Oh yeah.

Fall Out Boy to Release Greatest Hits Album

and

Miley Raps on Twitter Exodus

Friday, October 9, 2009

Pictures and autographs You get your face in all the magazines The best part is that you get to be who ever you wanna be

Link

So... I am a slacker. Maybe not, but this blog has been neglected. (Sorry!) I've been a little crazyyyyyy! Which means, school is a pain in my ass! I am just always oh-so busy, and it is tiring! What is this sleep you talk about?

On Wednesday night Em (click her!) and I were supposed to see the "Toy Story" double feature, but we missed it! So I spent my "one night out a month" at her house hanging out with her kitty and bunny. (I LOVE Bunnies!)

I have subscribed to 7 magazines for $55.

Alternative Press - 12 issues - $0

Cosmopolitan - 12 issues - $15

Glamour & Lucky - 24 issues (together) - $15

Seventeen - 12 issues - $10

Marie Claire - 12 issues - $5

Teen Vogue - 20 issues - $10

I may look into others, I'm not sure yet though.

You should read PopAwesome. Why? Because now I kinda work for them? I am a contributor, so I e-mail them random news stories and hope they post them. Don't worry, I'll save you some trouble and I'll post a link here for you to read.

I've been bad with my feeds recently. It's been over a month since I last read them. So tonight I decided to click all of them, not read them, and just start over so I can start reading again.

Today I decided I am going to try and write SOMETHING for at least an hour every day. I'm not sure what it'll be, so we'll see what comes of this.

I've kinda wasted a lot of time trying to find things to talk about, but as of right now, I don't have much to say. I'll just give you a bunch of pictures.