And all those things you say out of nowhere

I'm taken back by you

iTunes, you know me so well. :)

I can not take these boys. I really can't. They're everywhere. Driving me nuts. I want them all. I'm talking all over the spectrum. I have one in mind specifically that I think I may work for, but we all know how these things go.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Woo. I was really surprised when Anthony offered to buy me a present, even though I know he wouldn't actually buy me something.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Hopefully exciting too. As long as he isn't a fucking idiot.

I got my end of the semester cold early. My body couldn't hold back anymore. But with my luck this stupid cold/sinus nonsense will stick around until the end of the semester. My body hates me - but that's obvious.

I really hate girls. I know every girl hates other girls for being catty bitches, but really, we are - I'm being a catty bitch right now by complaining about girls being catty bitches. But srsly, some of us are just too much and it's ridiculous. You're friends because you're evil for no reason. And you're just a bunch of jealous whores, literally. I don't care that you hate me. I don't care that you want to get laid. I don't care. I can't help I have better curves than you. Just shut up or slit your throat before I do.

Tonight I have to write a seven- to ten-page paper. That's awesome. I'm not trying to write this stuff.

In better news, the Bears and Eagles are playing tonight! Woo! The perfect game for my birthday! We'll see if Jay Cutler has aim and if the defense can finally play without Urlacher. From a girl's perspective, I like both their uniforms, they both look really good.

The Giants finally won a stupid game.

And I want to meet a diehard Lions. I mean I'm talking s/he wakes up every Sunday morning saying "We've got this. We're going to win this week. I can feel it!" This person would be my best friend. No joke.

Last night Kaysie and I ushered/raffled a play. The usher dude was super serious and intense, it was awesome. Def a younger girl creeper. Lots of lesbians. The stage glowed with gays. It was a good. Definately a much better production of Seussical than Bird's.

Well I am going to watch the game and the Bears are going to either kick ass or get their asses kicked.

swine flu.

Thanks DB.

A.I.M.

Home is best. (Monacan wishes it was legit like the alt.)

The alternate is legit.

Not afraid to stare you down until you blink

It's everything I see, every part of me Gonna get what I deserve I got, I got nerve

For anyone who knows me, I will fight someone for an iPod Touch. I even posted my excitement in September about the $100 drop in price. Since my birthday is Monday and Christmas is a month later, I am going to save all of my gift money and purchase an iPod Touch for myself. Since my family can not afford such nonsense, I am taking it upon myself to get myself something I deserve. iPods and I have a very tragic history, and for once, I just want what I want with no trouble! Now, you might say to yourself, "Cassandra, why haven't you bought one of the cheaper iPods?" Well reader, the 8GB is out of the question since I have almost 10GB in my iTunes as of right now. And when the 16GB was available, I would've filled that up pretty quick, so 32 seems like a nice place for me to be.

I don't understand what my problem has been, I am a freak when it comes to boys. That's all my brain thinks about. And not in the "I need to get laid" kind of way, but in the "I'm suddenly surrounded by cute boys that actually talk to me." It's interesting, I feel like something has changed, where I'm now the pretty girl, rather than the weird outcast no one likes. (Note: I do NOT agree with this new movement of thought; I still feel like the old.)

Two more days until my birthday!

Four more days until I go home!

Thunder and lightning in the city is the prettiest and the scariest.

I really want a Nintendo DS. Of course I need another thing to distract me from life, but c'mon there's a JONAS game. And in this fabulous game, you can dress them! As Kirsten informed me, there probably isn't a Level X in the game, but I can trySLASHdream, right?

I need to wear blue and pigtails more often.

Yeah yeah, I know. Shush.

(I'd like to see you play professional football.)

Oh, it's a picture of perfection Ah, and the postcards gonna read

"Fuck yeah we can live like this... We can live like this."

(be tee dubs: "Put my glasses on So no one sees me" came in second.)

Sometimes I feel really pathetic. I feel like I don't strive for anything real. This is only in certain aspects of my life. Sure it's fun most of the time, but every once in a while I step back and think about dumb or ridiculous I'm being. Maybe when something real comes around I can stop thinking about and wanting ridiculous fantasies.

It was one of the weirdest feeling I had in a long time. I don't know how to describe it. It excited me, but not in the way I made it seem. I don't know how to explain it. I've felt a lot more than that before, but it wasn't awful either. It was almost just right. But I can not go there.

I feel like the other woman. I feel like I'm part of someone's quarter life crisis. I feel used.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to go back to normal.

My birthday is a week from today! I will finally be a real adult. Maybe all of my teen angst and immaturity will disappear over night. Probably not. I will be the same reject.

Right now I'm in a really weird place. So much writing to do, little motivation. I had a good writing day last Friday, but it was killed because of work. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I want to be constantly inspired. I don't know how I am going to survive this week.

I feel out of place.

Motion City Soundtrack let me down. Justin Pierre let me down. Motion City Soundtrack is one of the best bands I have ever heard. I love Justin's voice. I love MCS acoustic. It makes me melt. Justin has been on his Dino Trail and I was so excited to live in Center City and has access to just about anything. The Art Museum and Gianna's. Two place I can get to - one being one of my favorite places in the city. I got to the Art Museum too late. Gianna's was a fucking joke. No I wasn't outgoing or in his face, but I wasn't given the chance either. I was just some poor pathetic asshole eating a cheesesteak alone. The last thing I need is a cheesesteak.

I'm turning into a slut. And I hate it. I want to be 13 again and not care about my clothes. I want people to remember how ugly I am without the false image of my body. That's all anyone cares about anyway. Is my body. Again, what I have to say doesn't matter. I don't want to be me. I want to be the Christmas tree I once was.

Sometimes on Friday nights when I get off of work I order a large plain pizza. I sit by myself and eat the pizza. And it seems when I make this decision, Oxygen decides it's a good time to show "The Notebook" on TV. Not just once though, back to mother fucking back. And you know what, pathetically, that's all I watch. I eat my giant pizza and watch Ryan Gosling. And I am constantly reminded I will never have any of that. It really hit me today how pathetic and worthless I am. I'm really going to be alone for the rest of my life - it's official.

I don't even have the motivation or even a care for anything to do with Jonas. I want that all to go away.

I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm no one special, just another wide eyed girl who's desperately in love with you

I'm gonna say it. I think Joe Jonas is hot. Yes ma'am. I am comfortable enough to admit it. I'm 19 years old. I've hinted at this obsession and I have brought it up before, but I have reached a point where I can't go a day with out something Jonas related. Whether it is a song, their silly Disney Channel show, or simply just harassing the Internet until I find hot enough pictures to make me just want to pull on that new haircut. Maybe you don't understand, the thoughts in my head are worse than what you can find on the Internet for free some days. Yeah, I'm that pathetic. Even the song for my blog is a song written about him. (I really don't care if he dumped her - one less woman in my way!) Now, keep in mind, this obsession is only is only to the extreme extent it is because he's a virgin! And that shiny, silver band is so evil! It really taunts me! Yes, I know what you're thinking, I have gone completely insane. And I'm not going to deny it. But even if he wasn't so attractive, they're pretty damn funny. If you have some time to waste go to On Demand, Netflix, or wherever you watch TV and just watch one episode of JONAS. It's funny. Ask Em she thinks it's funny! Here, I'll give you a little taste of the show. And also confess that I would pay whatever amount; fight lions, tigers, and bears; and run away with the circus if I could be Chelsea Staub. Justwaituntilyoucumforthefirsttimemisterjonas(andhopefullyitllbewithme)

Link.

My brother survived his swine flu only to move on to bronchitis. Jesus is seriously out for this human being. First, he had some stomach virus, then we were good for a bit, we then returned back to puking, followed by a sinus infection, he then got to really taste the bacon, and now bronchitis is in the boy's lungs. Oh and somewhere in there he also hurt his ribs because some fat kid shouldered him in flag football.

Taylor Swift was on SNL over the weekend, I didn't watch it, but I saw the videos online later on 49823 of the 234738729 blogs I read. Her opening monologue is really funny even though she calls JoeBear a douche, but it's whatevs. Let's rewind, yes I said it was funny - I have no sense of humor, so you'll enjoy it.

Link.

I'm sure you've noticed, but each post title is a song lyric and and the first line of the blog is the next part of the song and it's linked to the lyrics. These songs aren't strategically picked. I literally open my iTunes, go to the iTunes DJ, and play the first song. I just get lucky and twist lyrics to fit my mood or the what the post will reflect.

For the record, my week got a little better. It hasn't been the greatest, but it is definitely an improvement.

In other shocking news, I do NOT think Robert Pattinson is attractive.

Shoot me.

Google's Sesame Street main pages have made my week. They are so cute! Cookie Monster was my favorite. This is Cookie Monster - this guy liked him too! Here they all are - even though this website wasn't too fond of the designs. :( But I am so cool and liked Cookie Monster so much, he made his way into my desktop folder!

Also, just out of pure curiosity I want to know how many people actually read my blog. So if you would just comment this post. I don't care what you say - it doesn't matter to me - maybe where you found it, what you like, what you hate - those are just starters in case you don't know what to comment. It can be anonymous if you want to keep yourself secret. Whatever you want. I'm just curious.

This is my Flash Dance look (now I know what I can be for Halloween next year):

Let's not talk about who/what I was thinking about.

I never wanted it to be this way

Crashing down like the pouring rain

I need a snoopy.

Are you overloaded? Candy coated Your life's imploding now

There's a risk worth taking A pain worth aching On this hollow ground

(It's really Miley.)

Lets talk about my week shall we?

I don't remember anything before Thursday.

Thursday:

Usually, I am in class 11.30-4. This past Thursday, I was in class 11.30-3.30. Why? I peaced out at 3.30. Rushed to finish packing and carry about 80-100lbs of "luggage" down six sets of stairs. I went to the train station and spent a ridiculous $47 on World Series shirts. Train left at 4.58. I should've gotten into Richmond at 9.40, but instead it was 10. We waited forever for my luggage only to see a hearse pull out from the back and on the luggage golf cart was an extra attachment of a very large white box that says "Handle With Extreme Care." Hmmm... WONDER WHAT THAT COULD BE? When I got home my friends then came over and we went to my favorite place in the world - wal mart. I colored my hair once again and went to sleep way too late.

Friday:

Found out my Aunt Genevieve passed away. Talked shit to my mom in my sleep. Found out I grew an inch from Memorial Day weekend. I had to go to DMV to renew my driver's license. Virginia now has the BEAUTIFUL new driver's licenses. They are black and white, you're not allowed to smile, have a clear photo box, and are just all around UGLY. After my trip to DMV my family hopped in the car and we drove to West Virginia to my grandparents' house. I slept for 374834732 hours and then ate dinner at midnight while everyone was in bed. I was also productive and did my laundry.

Saturday:

It was my grandparents' 50th anniversary. Originally we were supposed to have a big party, but that fell through, which is why we were chillin in West Virginia. First we went to my Aunt Kathy's salon where I proceeded to have an anxiety attack over getting my hair cut, but I needed it. So I got my hair snipped. I slept some more. People came over. We had baked ziti for dinner plus 4839738 desserts: brownies, three pumpkin pies, cookie cake, cream filled anniversary cake, and ice cream. Wachovia screwed me over.

Sunday:

Got all dressed up to hang out with Jesus - what a fucking joke. They are all just a bunch of racist mother fuckers. The church is lucky I kept my mouth shut and didn't walk out. Then randomly I got a really bad headache and and got super hot and dizzy. Then we had to drive through those awful mountains again and head back to Richmond. I had to go to wal mart again and spend too much money on stuff I "needed." We watched the movie "17 Again," and it was really funny. zacefroniskindahot. Obviously not Oscar good, but it wasn't "Dumb and Dumber." Went to bed at 1.30 when I had to be up at 4.30.

Monday:

Woke up at 4.30. Finished getting my crap together. My mom drove me to the train station for my 6AM train. Outside of the train station at 5.40, I look at my mom and tell her that I don't have my keys. They are hanging up - where they're not supposed to be. You see, my keys need to be with my stuff and not part of their system, otherwise I forget them. I go in the train station and there is animal poop all over my boots. I don't know where it came from. And now I have to get on a train for the next five hours and wonder what the hell I'm going to do. I get to the city at 10.30. I take a cab to my work study office so I can drop off my stuff. I go to Starbucks and chug a coffee. Then I go to my 11.30 class. Go back to work study. Drop my other bag off. Go to my other job to pick up my pay check and call out for Tuesday. Then I had to go yell at Wachovia. Around 2 my roommate was going to be at the apartment to let me in. I carried my 40-pound duffle bag on my back for six blocks - no big deal. Then I got ready to leave again. Went back to work study and got the rest of my crap and headed to my other classes. Kaysie loves bunny. My teachers think I am on crack. No one makes a sub like Ali can. And as we already know, Joe Jonas is my BFF and I used him to make an ad.

Tuesday:

Woke up at 5AM. Left my apartment at 6AM. Drove in the city for the first time. I had to drive to South Jersey to attend all of the funeral services. My directions got me lost and put me in the opposite direction. A 20- to 30-minute drive took me an hour and a half. I was greeted with eggs and coffee (thank you), hung out with Susie, and then proceeded to the funeral home. My dad was there. We played nice. I'm not sure if we're cool though. Whatever. The mass was quick and it included the Beatles and Eric Clapton. I got to see relatives and remind them of my life and whatnot. After a ridiculously slow, hour-long or so drive on the turnpike and a quick and breezy burial burial we went to my aunt's favorite restaurant and ate a ton food. Then I was in the car with one of those obnoxious Jersey tailgating drivers. Drove back to the city and did a damnfine job. But I took like an hour to park - which I did perfectly too. I was out by midnight. For very good reasons.

Today:

I am going to be late for class. I have to call my dad. And go to Di Bruno for four hours. UGH.

- My brother has Swine Flu.

- The USPS doesn't know the definition of overnighting something.

- I'm routing for the New York Phillies and the Philadelphia Yankees.

- Nine hours of sleep makes me look like I haven't slept in four days.

- I want to bungee jump to get the effect of jumping off of a bridge.

- I got to watch "90210" and "Melrose Place" half asleep last night. (PS: "Melrose Place" is awful.)

Link

I love this! I laughed. I kinda sucks that Taylor Swift is in front of a green screen. But I don't care. The humans make me happy.

Link

Can we talk about this? This is how I feel when people talk to me. I'm running my mouth but they can only stare at my ass. I kind of want to buy these shoes. I don't run or exercise or anything, but maybe they'd work for walking around and working. Also, the video may not be suited for minors.

Obviously, I was really tired.

Today I am a disheveled mess.

My poor phone. :(

O ka moana hanupanupa

Lalala i kala hanahana

(cover)

(link.)

Can I ask you a question?

Was it worth it? Was it worth losing and hurting everyone you knew? The past two weeks there have been so many things I've wanted to tell you. Within the past week I wish you were here with me more than ever. I'm not going to hold back. My feelings were really hurt. And they still are. Each day I spitefully wait to hear from you to deny you what you want. But as much as I want to hurt you the way you hurt me, I keep hurting. When I saw it, it made me happy. Not just because I knew you were hurt and alone, but because it was something you needed to do. But then again, what do I know. It's been maybe two days? And in another two it'll return? I wish we could talk, I really do, but I don't want to unless I get an apology - which I know I'm not going to get (a sincere one at least).

In the back of my head, I kept saying, "oh! I should put that in my blog!" but I've pretty much have forgotten all of it. Which makes this post EXTREMELY lively.

My mini cold (or swine flu as Kaysie called it) is pretty much gone. Most of the time I don't get sick during school, it's usually when the semester ends I get deathly ill. Like I was sick twice this past June. It's my body's way of letting go of all of the tension, sleepless nights, nonstop working, and never eating. Then all of a sudden I'm on my death bed, not breathing, and gasping for air.

At work I think my BFF is made up. It's kind of weird. Like, people would talk about him even if he wasn't there. He was working like every single day and joking that he probably makes my pay check in two days. Some days would even be 12 hours. This week, he's gone. I saw him Monday... And Tuesday he wasn't there. Friday I saw him for maybe 15 minutes of the five hours I was there. Today, he wasn't even there. I think he was too good to be true. So... we'll see if he's there tomorrow, and if he isn't then, I think he was just a figment of my imagination. Everything about him was too perfect (except his face).

Oh and as an update: I'm still a shitty person. (But not as shitty as others!)

(Gross. Don't click unless you want to.)

Anyone who says I don't need a pedicure needs to stop doing crack.

(link)

As a Hannah Montana viewer, this is really cute. I know I'm 12 and dumb. Go ahead and try and judge me. (You just wish you were around to hear me sing the JoBros when I'm home alone.)

PS: New layout. Whatchu think?

"boys like you are overrated. so save your breath." loaded words and loaded friends are loaded guns to our heads

with every breath i wish your [my] body will be broken again, again

you will never see my picture next to this definition.

In my life, nothing has ever been good enough. I could give up everything I have to the homeless and no one would commend me, it would be "why aren't you doing anything for underprivileged kids?" or "you know there are neglect animals that you could be helping, right?" I will never be happy. I never have, never will. If I have remotely anything that could make me happy, instead of letting me have it, people have to find something "wrong" with it so I can't have that to make me happy. And taking what little light of happy away from me puts me right back at unhappy.

Sadly, I'm almost content with being alone and worthless.

I just wish I could be myself, get what I want, and be happy.

nevergonnahappen.

And I don't think anyone understands that I'm giving it up. It's going to go further than forgetting it ever happened. Even though it had the potential to be good, but not really.

I know, once a slut, always a slut. I have to live with it, not you.

I was in much better shape yesterday.

This sucks.

Shake-a, shake- sugar, But youll never shake me

Uh-uh-uh

I.

Am.

Mentally.

Challenged.

My brain is fried. I'm sleep deprived. My lips are all fucked. I'm super confused and confident at the same time. My behavior is odd. I really need sleep. I really do.

I also need a vacation. BIG TIME. Halloween weekend I am going home to go to West Virginia. That will be nice.

Currently, I am super sick. Well, not swine super sick. But I sneeze and there is a major issue with me because I am a big baby. My lips are all swollen and red. My nose is no longer functioning with the rest of my body. What can I say, life is awesome.

Oh, hey, yeah you. Pretty much... I liked it. And by "pretty much" I mean I really did. Logically, my problem is solved. That's it. But logic wins in the end. It's like wanting something you can't have but really kind of can, but it in the end it's a big fat no. Make sense? Probably not.

My solution for life: pretend it nothing ever happened/ only deal with it when it comes up. And honestly, I don't see it coming up again.

What am I going to do with myself?

GNO!

I need a new belt.

I think that's called pathetic, but I'm not sure.

PS:

You should read this.

And in case any of you were wondering, I still feel the same way.

You're getting worse and I know That you'll be calling, calling, calling me again

Link.

Two weekends in a row I have been let down by people I used to care about and I stupidly thought they care about me. But it isn't anything out of the ordinary for any of them. I am pretty sure I am okay with never speaking to any of you again. Yeah, one hurts more than the others, but it's whatever, I've made it this far without you. Without ANY of you. This isn't the first time I've made a descion like this. And in the end, I was right. But what do I know?

It's kind of ironic. You never took the time to find out why I was upset. And in the end, you did it too. But it's not like knowing would've made a difference. I knew I wasn't going to see you. I'll never see you again. And that's not my problem. You have to live knowing you screwed up.

I don't care.

I have more important things to worry about.

For instance...

- school

- work

- babysitting

- mistress-ing

But in the end, none of you care about my life. You're all a bunch of self-centered, assholes.

I need some ben&jerrys, JONAS, and Minutemen.

Please remove me permanetly from your life and stop pretending to care. I don't need any of you.

Bye.

I'm really cool by the way. We could make this work.

bears and pizza. life is awesome.

bearthefuckdown.