If I woke up alone, I won't stop 'till I find you, and you are with me

Cause by now, I know you better than you know yourself.

Can someone tell me if there is a full moon or something? People are work today were nuts! I mean, I know that they are always on the crazy/ridiculous - the store has that effect on people - but I mean, people today were just... indescribable.

One of the joys of being a cashier is having to bag stuff, and if I do say so myself, I am pretty damn good at it. As a curtesy, I ask "would you like one bag or two?" The best answer is to say one. Why? It saves time and you need to man up and use those muscles that you were given. The even better answer is to say "One... if it all fits." It will always fit. ALWAYS. On a rare occasion, your bread, chips, and cookies might not make it, but as a snacker, I don't want to assault the goodies. Men are even better with this, because now to them it's a game; the girl couldn't possibly fit all of that into a bag. Then they think it's appropriate to suggest that I'm not going to make it, and BOOM! You have one bag sir... NEXT!

The second answer I frequently get is to "two bags with the weight evenly distributed." This is helpful if you have two of every item, because then legitimately it can be evenly distributed. But, don't scoff if you buy four jars of sauce, a bottle of olive oil, and then two apples. A cousin situation happened to me today when the woman had four cartons of chicken broth, a large bottle of Orangina, and a bag of shallots. She asks me for two bags (personally, one would've been sufficient), so I doubled the bag, put in two cartons and then picked up the shallots (leaving two other cartons and the Orangina), and before I set the shallots in the bag, she shouts "I want two separate bags! Not just doubled!" I slid the bag toward her and lifted up the second doubled bag and said, "I know." And finished bagging. Now, I don't have a problem with splitting the bags up because in my head I imagine these little old ladies walking lopsided through the park, but relax, you're going to get yourself all stressed out for no reason and you might not make it across the park!

The only time this two-bag thing is annoying is when perfectly capable, young attractive men want two bags for a small amount of things. Someone who is keeping track of things I like and don't like in men, write this down. If you are trying to be my boo (shush, it's hypothetical), you are required to be able to carry a bag of groceries.

Also, because I obviously don't know how to do my job, please tell me to put heavy stuff on the bottom first. Nope! Bread, cookies, chips, and eggs are going in first underneath of five containers of extra large soups.

Oh, these are paper bags with handles I'm talking about. Not palm-slicing plastic bags that rip if you look at them too much.

Oh and PS, if you can't carry it, don't buy so much. I'm not Harry Potter or Sabrina the Teenaged Witch, I can't make your stuff POOF into your high-rise.

And another sidenote, just because it's December and you're required to spend more money in your life, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. The store will be there all day, all week, all month, and even next December. Form a line, wait your turn, and give me your $500.

Speaking of $500, one of my Saturday morning regulars, he comes in and normally spends $200-$300 every week, because he buys for his house and his daughters (I assume that there are two of them because he buys in threes). Do you know what I would do for my dad to buy me gourmet noms every week? Multiple hundreds of dollars? Eh, I guess I'd settle for WalMart - I'd get more food. But I'd like to pick key points in life and just spend a weekend in these privileged lives. But working in this neighborhood and industry has taught me several things.
1. How to be snotty.
2. How to poorly treat people.
3. How to properly treat people.
4. How to scam small business owners.
5. If I ever open a store, you will be required to bring your own bags, or your arms better be made of elastic.

Finally, can we talk about December? Ma'am it is cold outside. And I mean COLD. I don't know how my fingers are still functioning from having to be outside. Yeah I know it's not the midwest, but you could've warned someone and not give me two 60+-degree days and then slap me in the face with 32mph gusts of COLD. Luckily I'm not in a snow globe... yet.

This is what three almost 12-hour days in a row looks like.