Oh, it's a picture of perfection Ah, and the postcards gonna read

"Fuck yeah we can live like this... We can live like this."

(be tee dubs: "Put my glasses on So no one sees me" came in second.)

Sometimes I feel really pathetic. I feel like I don't strive for anything real. This is only in certain aspects of my life. Sure it's fun most of the time, but every once in a while I step back and think about dumb or ridiculous I'm being. Maybe when something real comes around I can stop thinking about and wanting ridiculous fantasies.

It was one of the weirdest feeling I had in a long time. I don't know how to describe it. It excited me, but not in the way I made it seem. I don't know how to explain it. I've felt a lot more than that before, but it wasn't awful either. It was almost just right. But I can not go there.

I feel like the other woman. I feel like I'm part of someone's quarter life crisis. I feel used.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to go back to normal.

My birthday is a week from today! I will finally be a real adult. Maybe all of my teen angst and immaturity will disappear over night. Probably not. I will be the same reject.

Right now I'm in a really weird place. So much writing to do, little motivation. I had a good writing day last Friday, but it was killed because of work. I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I want to be constantly inspired. I don't know how I am going to survive this week.

I feel out of place.

Motion City Soundtrack let me down. Justin Pierre let me down. Motion City Soundtrack is one of the best bands I have ever heard. I love Justin's voice. I love MCS acoustic. It makes me melt. Justin has been on his Dino Trail and I was so excited to live in Center City and has access to just about anything. The Art Museum and Gianna's. Two place I can get to - one being one of my favorite places in the city. I got to the Art Museum too late. Gianna's was a fucking joke. No I wasn't outgoing or in his face, but I wasn't given the chance either. I was just some poor pathetic asshole eating a cheesesteak alone. The last thing I need is a cheesesteak.

I'm turning into a slut. And I hate it. I want to be 13 again and not care about my clothes. I want people to remember how ugly I am without the false image of my body. That's all anyone cares about anyway. Is my body. Again, what I have to say doesn't matter. I don't want to be me. I want to be the Christmas tree I once was.

Sometimes on Friday nights when I get off of work I order a large plain pizza. I sit by myself and eat the pizza. And it seems when I make this decision, Oxygen decides it's a good time to show "The Notebook" on TV. Not just once though, back to mother fucking back. And you know what, pathetically, that's all I watch. I eat my giant pizza and watch Ryan Gosling. And I am constantly reminded I will never have any of that. It really hit me today how pathetic and worthless I am. I'm really going to be alone for the rest of my life - it's official.

I don't even have the motivation or even a care for anything to do with Jonas. I want that all to go away.